Attitude

It’s your attitude that determines your altitude.  We’ve all heard that, right?  How about: Attitude isn’t the main thing, it’s the only thing?

Being around someone who has a great attitude can be a lot of fun.  We feel better about ourselves.  We’re energized, inspired, even motivated.  It’s as if our self-esteem has been given a boost.

Often times, when an employer has a special task that needs to be completed, they will ask an employee with a can do attitude to do it.  That employee may not even know how to perform the task but because of his attitude, he will find a way to do it and will do whatever it takes to complete it.

Attitudes are also an indicator of what we believe.  Typically, the person who believes hard work and persistence will yield them their dreams and desires will also have the attitude of, it can happen.  

Even the person who makes mistakes (isn’t that all of us) but has an attitude of accepting responsibility, admitting they made the mistake, wants to learn from it, and chooses to move forward, is likely to be favored by his peers.

The reality is we simply won’t see someone with a poor attitude accomplishing great things or encouraging others.  Even if you have seen them accomplish something, I’d be willing to bet, they were not very effective.

It’s the master key that can unlock many doors in life.  Countless times people who didn’t know how, were hired over the experienced poor attitude applicant, to do a job, because they instilled an attitude of, I can and I will.

Is attitude everything?  Does it really make all the difference?  Can a positive, can-do attitude even cover a multitude of weaknesses?

Without hesitation, yes!  Our attitude really is that important.  Each day we bring an attitude to our environment, whether that is our place of employment, school, organization, family or friends.  Based on their attitude, people determine if you are someone they want to continue being around.

So the next time you’re in a crowd of people, ask yourself this question: Is my attitude worth catching?

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Kids, Politics & Beliefs

Are you involving your kids in your voting? Such a simple question may not come with a simple answer.

Each of us talk and act based on what we believe to be true. Whether it be people, places, religion or even politics, all of us act out our beliefs.

Recently, my eldest daughter brought a few questions that were thought provoking.  Her fourth grade class has been discussing the upcoming Presidential election, the candidates and the different parties.

Her questions were sincere, honest and that of an unbiased opinion (which is rare in itself).  In the past, we had discussed such things but not at the level she was asking.  It was clear that the time had come to start teaching her about politics and Government.

Overall, I am not interested in partisan politics.  It is an argument that could go on forever.  I’m referring to one’s core beliefs about why they think one candidate is better than the other. How what we believe causes us to make choices accordingly, which helps determine who we will be voting for.

Religion, personal interest and even political affiliation are largely inherited.  That is, we follow the footsteps of those who have programmed us.  Parents, family or someone who is an authority in our lives.

Parents always want what’s best for their kids.  But what determines what is best?  Our beliefs determine what is best but that does not mean those beliefs are healthy or favorable.  We can only teach our kids what we know and understand. Why does one person believe the Democrats have all the right answers while the guy across the street is convinced the Republicans do?  It’s all because of what we believe to be true.

Most of the time, there is nothing wrong with teaching our kids our persuasion.  But if we truly want the best for them, shouldn’t we take it deeper?  What about teaching them core values?  Why not teach them that our Government’s choices have brought the country to the place where it is currently?  And, if those results are not favorable, then moving forward, the choices need to be different.  You do realize choices always equal an outcome… right?

Seek wisdom when doing this. If we truly want a better tomorrow, we have to start with the healthy programming of our younger generation.  That is, it starts with us, right now, today.  Not brainwashing, rather healthy beliefs and understanding.

How we interact with our children when it comes to understanding our Government and the democracy we live in, will define the tomorrow we help create.  Choose wisely, your choices today are creating your tomorrow.

Have a great weekend, be blessed.

Maturity is a Choice

Where does maturity come from and how do we get it?

Years ago, I often sought older friends to associate with.  Then, I believed they had the experience, wisdom and maturity and I wanted to learn from.  What I found was just the opposite.

All of us could agree, you don’t have to look very hard to see immaturity.  Not just from kids but from adults of all ages.  Just watch how they act when things don’t go the way they think they should.  With the Presidential elections ramping up and the online social media outlets like Facebook, immaturity is apparent everywhere.

Every once in awhile I will meet a young person who proves to be very mature.  What they say and how they say it, how they carry themselves qualify them as someone who has it together.  They prove they are very mature for their age.

Meaningful, intelligent two-way conversations with them can be quite pleasant.  They don’t feel the need to prove themselves or act like they have all the answers.  You have to admit, there is an attraction to these types.

Dr. Mike Murdock probably said it best, “Grey hair doesn’t make you smart.”  How profound!  It’s also apparent that age does not make us wise nor does age equal maturity.  Our culture and society, however, have tried to make us believe otherwise.    

Age does equate to experience but experience alone does not always equal the previous traits mentioned.  So what do all of these things have in common?  Maturity!

To admit we were wrong takes maturity.  To realize we don’t have all the answers and the answers we do have, may not be the right ones, takes maturity.  To humble ones self and seek to do better takes maturity.  The reality is, maturity could be considered the doorway by which many other personal qualities follow.

Maturity comes from being humble.  Therefore, arrogance and maturity can rarely co-exist.  Expressing maturity is also showing others you don’t have a need to be right on every subject.  It’s allowing someone to be wrong with dignity.

Maturity can also be the opposite of selfishness.  We are willing to let others have their way, regardless of the outcome and how it affects us.

Maybe this is why we see so much immaturity everywhere.  In large, we have become a society of wanting things our way, when we want it, the way we want it.

The bigger thought is: what are we teaching our children?  Are we setting a healthy example of maturity for them?  Are we setting them up for a rewarding, peaceful life?  What about the way we treat our children?  Are we showing maturity when we communicate with them?  How about when we discipline?

Gaining this clarity on maturity has made a profound difference in my expectations about the young and old and why they act like they do.  It will for you too, once you embrace it.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Our Choices Equal Our Results

Most of us want different results than we have: more time, more money, weigh less...  Sure we want these things but how many of us are willing to make different choices to get them?

Lately, I have been hooked on the TV show Bar Rescue.  John Tafer, a veteran in the bar / night club industry, connects with bar owners who are on the edge of closing their doors due to a failing business.  Being in the industry for over 25 years, Tafer has seen the common denominators of a failing bar business.  

I am not a bar guy.  I rarely frequent them.  I have never owned one nor do I ever intend to.  Personally, I think they are a great place to throw your money away and waste precious time.

But I am intrigued how Tafer imposes on the bar owners and their staff, successful / healthy habits.  He is very stern when it comes to addressing the problems and destructive habits that have led to their failing business.  He is a no B.S. kind of guy who holds no punches.  Holding people accountable and changing their mindset to one of being proactive is the backbone to the whole program.

While I could do without the strong language (most of it is censored out) I have come to like the way accountability and responsibility change the entire nature of each business.  In return, rescuing it from failure.  In nearly every case, the owner of the failing establishment has come to a place of complacency and ignorance.  This is what Taft must change if he is to turn things around.

Just like the show, all of us can reach a place where we too become complacent.  In business, our jobs, relationships, even our marriages.  Most of us want things to be different, yet very few are willing to do what we must to produce a different outcome.  History has proven time and time again, wanting different results is simply not enough.

In the show, Taft tends to put people in very uncomfortable situations, holding them accountable.  It is here where people break from their habits and usually agree to change.  This sounds a lot like life, doesn't it?  Most of us do not change unless we are put into a position where we have to and even then, some still resist.  Yet change is the key to living a life full of the things we want.

It's change, not chance that brings us different results.  We can be in the right place at the right time and not even know it.  Daily habits are formed by choices, choices are formed by beliefs.  So chance has nothing to do with any of it. 

There is a great parallel between business, relationships, success and failure.  The common denominator for all of these, the one thing that makes or breaks how our life turns out and what it boils down to is choice.
Just as our choices can lead to disaster, so can our choices lead us to success.  Some choices lead to heartache while other choices lead to love and happiness.

Until we take responsibility for where we are, we will never be able to move to where we want to be.  This is one element Taft pushes hard in the show and it's not until the people accept this painful reality can they move forward.

Let go of your blame list!  Get past it and accept the facts.  You are where you are because of the choices you have made.  Once you can accept this, the chains that have bound you will be cut free and your life will explode into change.

I know because I have lived it.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

It's Ok... Dream big - Part 2

Who is the most important person in your life?  Who should you put first and be true to above all others?

The answer may surprise you.  No, it’s not your spouse, nor is it your parents.  It’s not even your kids. It’s you!

You are going to live with you your whole life. The short 80-90 years we are given can be lived with bliss, joy and truth but only if you make you a top priority. I’m not talking about being self absorbed, narcissistic, or selfish.  I’m talking about believing in your self.

Do you put your self first when it comes to your dreams and goals?  Those ideas you have, the images held in your mind of you accomplishing a dream… if you don’t make them a priority, who else will?

Last week, we covered the issue of being laughed at and others making fun of our dreams. Typically, this causes self doubt.  Well-meaning people who sometimes genuinely care, offering their unsolicited thoughts and advice, can affect us the most.

Here’s a reminder all of us need to hear from time to time: Others probably don’t think much of you because they don’t think much about you. 

You were born unique.  There has never been nor will there ever be another you.  Don’t expect your co-workers, neighbors or even family members to understand you because chances are they won’t.  On a side note, most don’t even understand themselves.  To some degree, the majority of us are trying to determine if we can truly believe in ourselves.

Your dreams, goals and aspirations… they are yours!  The only way someone else can take them from you is if you give them up.  Why would you want to do that?  Even if you don’t have clarity or fully understand why you have a passion for what you do, there is a reason for it.   

Often, our dreams are tied to getting something.  Maybe you wish to buy a home, take an exotic trip or start a business.  Of course there is nothing wrong with getting things, I think all of us need a reason and sometimes material things to keep us pressing on through thick and thin.

The bigger reason for having them is not for the getting, it’s for the becoming.  That is, who we become while stretching, working and reaching for the dream is far more important in the long run than actually getting it.  The late Jim Rohn said it best: It’s not what you get that makes you valuable; it’s what you become that makes you valuable.

It’s ok… dream big!  Go ahead, I dare you.  What is inside you that wants to blossom? What have you wanted to pursue but have never taken the first step?  What is it that crosses your mind from day to day and leaves you feeling inspired and ready to tackle anything?  Chances are this is what you need to go after and move toward.   All the while, becoming the type of person needed to achieve the goal.

Let yourself change and let yourself become a little uncomfortable because if it is worth while, chance are, you will have to.  Your dream is waiting!  Take the action and move toward it.

Don’t let anybody steal your dream.  Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

It's Ok...Dream Big

When we were younger, we did it all the time. There was always time for it and when we did, it was almost like we grew wings. 

Why, as adults, do we grow away from dreaming? It’s as if it just slips away, month after month, year after year.  I’m not talking about dreaming of getting, I’m talking about dreaming of becoming.

A fireman, jet fighter pilot, race car driver, captain of a cruise ship or dancing on Broadway, each of us had a dream that was bigger than who we were.  Maybe even so big others laughed at us.

Could it be this is why we gave up on our dreams?  To avoid being laughed at, humiliated or even embarrassed?  Maybe we started believing others when they said “you could never be that.”  “What makes you think you’re good enough?”

Life tends to take on a different meaning when we have a goal or a dream.  We have something to work for, something to motivate us, push us and cause us to work hard. But more than just motivation, we need to believe we are worth going after what we want. 

Jack Canfield, the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, says that low self esteem can be traced back to most of the problems our society faces today.  How does low self esteem over take us?  Usually by accepting what others say to us.

Not intentionally, but we tend to put a lot of weight into others approval or disapproval of ourselves.  Doing so, makes us change our actions to please someone else.  Meanwhile, putting who we are and what we want to do with our life on the back burner.

Literally, we tell ourselves that what we want is not important.  Someone else’s view and opinion is more important than our own.  After allowing this a handful of times, we have given away our self esteem little by little until years later, we have no more.

Overall, most people mean well and have good intentions.  How they portray it though, is entirely another topic.  We can’t always expect someone who we love or look up to guide us in the direction that is best for us.  Simply put, people cannot give you what they do not have.

There has always been someone to come along and tell us we weren’t good enough, you’re stupid or even crazy for trying.  I know this well as I have had many over the years.  A few times, it was the people closest to me.

 But once I started accomplishing a few things with my life, it was interesting how those people just seemed to disappear.  That unsupportive negativity vanished once I went and accomplished what I set out to do.  The same thing will happen for you too once you realize you are worth more and are the single most valuable person in your life.

No really, you are!  If you can’t learn to put you first, how can you possibly take care of or truly value anyone else?  It starts with you.

Next week, we will get into part 2 of: It’s Ok… Dream Big and why your self esteem matters more than you think.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

   

What you allow Grows

Ever wake up one day and think to yourself, “How did this happen?”  Well, chances are, it didn't just happen. Over time, you allowed it.

As a rule of thumb, those things which we permit in our life, we have also given permission for their increase.  That is, if we choose to do nothing about bad behavior, than we should expect it to continue to grow.

Consider the disrespectful teenager.  Their actions and words can be hurtful and destructive.  As a parent, if you decide to allow this type of behavior then you should also expect it to only get worse.

The tiny weeds in the garden that are no big deal today will become abundant and thick tomorrow if not dealt with.  The alcoholic spouse, who is only slightly abusive today, will become more abusive tomorrow.

Recently, I worked in an office where one of the team members was very toxic in attitude, behavior and the way they treated others.  I learned this had been going on for several years.  The boss was well aware of the actions but refused to deal with the employee in a manner which would detour the behavior.  It was no surprise to me when I learned it had become worse over the years.  The behavior we allow today will grow tomorrow.

For some personality styles, dealing with confrontation is not easy.  Naturally, we want to avoid it, walk away or pretend like it does not affect us.  The fact is, dealing with conflict is not a bad thing.  Holding people accountable for their actions, words or behavior is very healthy.  It also requires work and is often times uncomfortable.  Yet, it is necessary to keep the destructive environment from affecting others.

If you have a family member who treats you with disrespect and you have not confronted them about it, understand you have essentially given that person permission to treat you however they wish.  Too often, people don't give a second thought to how they are being perceived.  They are only interested in telling you what they think.

By standing up for ourselves and refusing to let others mistreat us, we are also automatically increasing our self image.  Think about the last time someone talked down to you.  How did it make you feel?  Now think about the last time you stood up for yourself.  Did you demand respect?  Did you tell someone you will not accept being talked down to?  How did that make you feel?  Could you then look in the mirror and be proud of your self?

Years ago, I came to a place where I refused to be talked down to and when I did, it was life-changing.  A spouse, coworker, child or even a parent can sometimes lose touch with boundaries and respect for others.  Don't let things like this intimidate you.  It's not about you it's about them and their own insecurity of who they are.

Take the high road and demand others treat you with kindness, and hold them accountable.  Once you do, you will be amazed at how some people leave your life and how others look to you with a whole new level of respect. Not to mention, how you see yourself.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Your Choices...Your Life

The life you are living right now is the result of the choices you have made up to this point.

Most folks don’t realize that they have choices.  Many run on auto-pilot, making each day look a lot more like chance than choice.  But just the opposite is true.  Everything is a choice!

It wasn’t until I reached my mid 30’s that I truly grabbed hold of this reality.  Each day, I could choose what I would do, where I would go, my activities, attitude…all of it.  Granted, the majority of those choices were obvious and easy…but I still got to choose.

Each new day brings with it the seed of choice.  How you start your day, what you will wear, will you exercise, will you have a good attitude and will you be on time to your first meeting.  All of these choices and you haven’t even left your house yet!

Left to chance?  I don’t believe there is such a thing.  Even if one tries to make a case for this, the fact is, you can still choose to do nothing, and that is a choice.

Look back on your life.  How many times have you come to a crossroads where a major choice was before you?  How did you handle it?  Did you weigh your options, look at all sides and try to make the best choice possible?

In the past, have you made poor choices?  If so, what did you learn from them?  Sometimes, wrong choices today give us opportunities to excel in the future because learning and choosing differently next time, brings about favor and wisdom.

Once in awhile, the crossroads of life are not always so clear and then the choice we have to make can be a struggle.  Yet still, we are forced to make a choice.

Choice is the reason we can create the life we want.  It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to us.

We also need to keep in mind that for every choice we make, there are or can be lasting consequences.  Choosing to forgo exercise every morning and eat a donut may bring short-term satisfaction, but over the long-term, it’s detrimental to your health. 

After reading this, you will make a choice to either ignore it, or think about it.  Regardless, each day, what we choose affects not only our self but often, those around us as well.

Once we realize and grasp this concept, there can be no more blame game.  You can’t play the victim card, nor can you point fingers at others and say it’s their fault for your circumstances.

Will you decide to start choosing wisely?  Can you see that your choices equal the person you are today?

Want a different job?  Make different choices.  Want a better relationship with your spouse?  Make better choices.  Want to lose some weight and feel attractive again?  It’s easier than you think…just make different choices.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Finding Your Calling ~ Final Chapter

Are you ready to put action into finding your calling?  This is the final overview in the series - Finding Your Calling.

This may challenge your beliefs but in actuality, finding your calling is not necessarily difficult, however, it will take a lot of persistence and determination.  Those two items do take energy and focus and maybe for some, that is hard.  But finding your purpose is a journey.  It is a process.  Not a one or two day event.

In the beginning of this series, I shared with you that it will take searching.  Remember, this is critical.  Anytime we want to achieve something, it takes an internal desire.  There needs to be a strong desire because that is what will fuel you through the highs and lows.

Keep in mind that not all of us are called to a specific industry, place or business.  In recent conversations, a gentleman told me he gets the greatest joy from helping senior citizens and is looking into moving to Arizona to serve them.  For him, it did not matter where he was, only that it involves that demographic of people. A long time friend shared that he obtains a lot of satisfaction from working on cars and trucks.  New or older, it did not matter.

Ancient scripture tells us there is a time and a place for everything under the sun.  Without even reading any further, this means each of us have and go through seasons.  Seasons are determined by our choices.  That means as we grow, as we find, and as we search, we make choices based on our thinking, what we believe and where we’re at mentally and emotionally in our life.

Regardless of what season you are going through today, you can still choose to search.  Every time we stretch our neck out and look for those things we have no answers to, we grow as a person.  We learn more about ourselves.  At the same time, we are becoming someone of higher awareness. Becoming is the essence of life.  We don't just one day turn into a business man or business woman.  We become a businessman or businesswoman.

It took me 15 years to find my purpose.  How long will it take you?  God only knows.  But I can promise you that if you will get serious about searching, you will find.  Finding your calling is not a mystery, it is a process, mostly through trial and error.  But don't count the errors as negatives; they are part of the price you must pay to find what you are looking for.

A level of peace, satisfaction and clarity awaits you when you do find it.  I can only say this because I have lived it.  There is tranquility in the finding, especially after paying the price over a lengthy time.

When you find it, you will never have to work another day in your life.  Everything you do is not work, but rather exhilarating.  It fuels you, drives you and leaves you with more energy at the end of the day than when you started.  Ask any person who has found their purpose and is now living it.  They can concur.

What are you going to do to further your search?  It's time to step up to the plate and put action into your plan.  No one else can or will do it for you.  Years from now, you will look back at today and either wished you had...or be glad you did.  It's your choice. 

Make that call to a coach or someone who can help you.  Seek out a mentor, read a book or two, counsel with those who have already found their calling.  Take your list (you did make one right?) and keep it in front of you.  Read it allowed often.  It will be a powerful tool as you search.

By reading this series, you have stepped up to the plate.  Are you going to get in the game by swinging at the ball or go back and sit on the bench?

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Finding Your Calling ~ Part 4

People come in and out of your life for certain reasons.  Do you know why?

This week is part 4, Finding Your Calling.

It has been said that coincidences are when God wants to remain anonymous.  In my own life, many people have come and gone over the years.  At the time it was a mystery as to why this would happen.  Looking back it is pretty clear. 

Each person who came into my life brought with them (besides their kindness, love and friendship) a uniqueness and qualities I needed.  Your life is the same way. If you’re open to see it, you will.  If you can't, it could mean you've never looked at it that way. 
 

When people come into your life, they bring with them answers.  Those answers are found through the relationship you have with them.  Looking even deeper, all that you seek can be found through relationships with the right people.  Answers are not found in things, they are found in people.

Yes, you can learn a lot through books, on line courses and audio / video tutorials, I sure did.  But relationships were at the core of every corner turned and ah ha moment I ever had. 
 
Who is in your life today that could have answers to what you’re looking for?  Maybe it is a co-worker, a boss, a new friend whom you met recently.  Wealth, health, influence, mentors and knowledge are not far away, they are more then likely a relationship away.
 
Like attracts like.  That's the way our world works.  Those who like to go fishing, hang out with other fisherman.  Those who like to give back, invest time with others who also give.  When we go into search mode, we also tend to attract others who are searching. 

This means we can learn from those relationships.  Both can bring value to the other.  Even if it is learning what we don’t want in a relationship, there is value in that.
 
Right now, there is someone or maybe even a few someone's who can help you find the answers to what you are seeking.  You don't necessarily need to go looking.  Chances are, they are in or around your life right now, you just don't know it.
 
Today, observe who is in your life that you may be able to sit with and question.  Our society is filled with people who don't care to listen, but only want to talk.  Imagine what clues you could hear if you focused on listening more and talking less.  What keys might your friends tell you that previously, you had not known?
 
Lastly, start asking questions.  Then listen with expectation.  Not for what you want to hear, but what is really being said.  There are clues all around you to what you’re passionate about.  Ask first, listen second. 

Next week, we will take a deeper look into resources you may not be aware of that can help you find your calling.
 
Have a great weekend everybody, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 11 (Final)

Attracting healthy love is something we do because of the person we become.  This is the final segment of this series.

The Attracting Healthy Love series has been filled with healthy, positive and thought provoking ideas.  I wish I could tell you all of it is my own insight but that would be far from true.  The ideas shared are a collection of common denominators, some from experts who have been studying relationships before I was even a twinkle in my parent’s eyes.

I encourage you to review these from time to time. Although there are literally dozens of different subjects we could have gone into in-depth, the ones we have touched base on are a great platform from which to build on.  And, like anything we build, a healthy foundation is the basis that keeps all of it from falling apart.

You have your list.  Update it as needed. This is your centerpiece for attracting the right kind of person to you.  Remember what I said, there is magic in reading it out loud.   Take this seriously. Make your written list part of your life, just as you do your personal hygiene.

Remember you cannot attract someone to you that you are not willing to first become.  In your mind, if you can picture a beautiful, gentle, thoughtful person you want as a partner, you first have to become that person.

For some, attracting and finding Mr. or Ms. Right will be difficult.  For others, this concept is somewhat familiar.  It depends on where you come from and what your past has been.  Regardless of where you are, there is a learning curve.  Allow yourself grace to work through this.

Whether or not you can believe, you are worth so much more than you realize.  Too often we devalue our self-worth because of fear, the fear of not finding the right person.  The result is we settle for less than the best. 

Remember, as a rule, no one will ever value or love you any more than you value or love yourself.  If you want someone to think the world of you, you need to think the world of yourself.  I am not talking about narcissism.  I am talking about loving yourself and knowing how valuable you are as a person.

If you don’t love yourself first, how can you possibly love someone else? Love runs on a two way street, not one way.  As unfortunate as it is, many people go through life with a low self-esteem.  Look at how many people look down when they are walking. It’s sad.

Lastly, if you’re willing to adopt new healthy habits, you will substantially increase your chances of attracting healthy love into your life. More times than not, it is the little things repeated daily which make all the difference, not the less frequent bigger things.

Attracting healthy love will take practice.  There will be trial and error, so expect it.  It’s changing how you think, what you believe to be true, and accepting that we may not have all the answers.  Taking these ideas and implementing them into your life is easy to talk about, harder to do, and it won’t work every time.  But what it is guaranteed to do is change who you are becoming.  And that is the key to attracting who you want into your life.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed!

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 9

We all have a love style.  Do you know yours?

This is part nine in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.

The way in which you feel loved is a critical piece to making a healthy relationship last long-term.  Each one of us has a primary love style (love language) that makes us feel loved.

For example, some people feel loved by receiving gifts.  Others feel loved by simply being touched.  Sharing positive encouraging words, doing acts of service for that special person or sharing quality time, are all different styles in which we feel loved.

Each one of us has a primary and a secondary love style.  Knowing what makes us feel loved is an important piece of the puzzle when attracting healthy love into our lives. 

Just like the different personality styles, there is no right or wrong.  Your love style is the style you were born with as a child.  You felt loved then the same way you do today, only in a more intimate, mature way.

Many times, in the past when I have coached people about obtaining healthy relationships in their lives, I am reminded that many people are simply not aware they even have a love style.  To this I say: if you don’t know what actions make you feel loved, how will you be aware of what actions are necessary for your spouse to feel loved?

Love is a verb.  It is more than just saying I love you.  We show our love in our daily actions.  The majority of time, by nature, we tend to show love to our special someone the same way we like to receive love.  Although this is not necessarily bad, it is not always correct.

Our spouse needs to be loved according to their style, not just how we think they should feel love.  The person who is fueled by being touched, is not going to feel love the same way by being told positive, affirming compliments.  Both are important but in this example, physical touch will flood their heart with love far better than anything else.

Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of: The five Love Languages is an expert in this area.  If you are serious about attracting healthy love, I recommend reading his book and studying the styles.  You need to know and understand your style.  Then you will begin to understand how Mr. or Ms. Right will need to feel loved when they come into your life.

Next week we will go into part 10 in Attracting Healthy Love, Expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 6

So far, we have uncovered a handful of destructive and unhealthy ideals with regard to attracting healthy love.  This week we are going to go over that "C" word.   You know... commitment.
 If you were to ask any couple who has been married for an extensive period of time, the one word you will hear over and over again is commitment.  That is, a commitment to and for each other.  But what does that really mean?
 When we make a commitment to someone, we are making a statement which speaks volumes.  A heartfelt commitment (which should be the only kind of commitment) means that come hell or high water, good or bad, better or worse, you are in this for the long haul.  Commitments should not be made because of emotions.  It is ok to have them, but using them as your sole guide could very easily put you in a situation you never intended to be, wondering: "How did this happen?"
 Although I have said this before, I am going to say it again: It is never a good idea to make long-term choices based on short-term feelings.  Most of the time those waves of emotions, in a new relationship, will blow like the wind in the first year.  Commitment is first an internal choice that is expressed outwardly, not the other way around.
 Commitment is more than just sticking it out in tough times.  It is also about helping the other person when they need it.  Making adjustments in our attitude and behavior is a way of following through on a commitment.  Commitments can be viewed as working together through problems rather than letting your spouse deal with their stuff while you wait patiently on the sidelines.  It doesn't mean everything is always going to be great.  It doesn't mean everything will be perfect.  It means you agree to work together in order for the relationship to grow.
 Commitment is not a one-way street, it has two lanes.  Both parties need to have equal levels of commitment for a relationship to be healthy.  25% commitment from one person and 75% from the other simply cannot last long-term.  How will you know a person’s level of commitment?  There are two answers.
 By becoming a person who can make a heartfelt commitment, you will attract someone like you.  To do this, it is you who must become that person.  To try and find someone who can commit, all the while knowing on the inside you cannot, is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.  It's absurd and unrealistic.
 The second part in realizing true commitment, is watching what people do, not what they say.  Words are easy to say and unfortunately, are too often shallow.  Watch to see if people's actions line up with their words.  This is a good way to tell if someone is truly heartfelt about their commitments. 
 Combine these two ideas and you have stacked the deck in your favor for having a healthy, committed relationship.
 Next week, we will be touching base on the bigger picture and your detailed list.
 Have a great week everyone, be blessed.
 

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 5

Moving too fast too soon usually causes a lot of unnecessary pain.  Too often, this is done by making long-term choices based on short-term feelings.    

Feelings come and go.  In general, they are like the wind.  Love, lust, happiness and sadness, they flow constantly.  What we must understand is, we do not make long-term choices based on ongoing changes in our feelings. 

Sometimes, when feelings and emotions are running wide open, moving in together seems to be the best thing to do.  For whatever reason, our society even applauds it.   This I have never understood nor find any logic to it.  A couple who wants to “play house” and truly think this is the right thing is more than likely setting themselves up for disaster, especially if this is done early in the relationship.

Need I say this again?  Making long-term choices based on short-term feelings is stupid!  How many times have we heard: “Well, I need to see if we are compatible” or “this will help us make sure we’re right for each other.”  These are the craziest and most ridiculous ideas I have ever heard.

Healthy relationships are built on solid, successful principals and commitment, not feelings.  They always have been and always will be.  If you’re twisted up over which way the roll of toilet paper goes on, or if the cap is left off the toothpaste, you have far deeper issues to deal with than finding the right person!

Why would anyone want to join their life to someone with whom they are truly not committed?  (Aside from a roommate, of course.) Ask any couple who has been married 20 plus years, they will tell you, commitment, not feelings, made and kept their marriage.

If children or teenage kids are involved, you better think long and hard before disrupting their home.  That is, move them somewhere, or move someone else into their home.  You may think it is a great idea but the consequences for doing so can have life-long effects.

Your kids need to see you make good choices.  They need a good example set for them.  It’s tough being a kid.  Their bodies are changing, they’re growing up and they are receiving peer pressure from all sides.  What they need the most is a stable, secure home life with parent(s) who are committed to them, not the latest flavor of the month.

I have seen a young mom move her and her young daughter in and out of several of her boy friend’s homes over the course of just two years.  All because she thought they each were the “right one.” We may never know the impact of how damaging that mom’s choices were to her daughter.

Moving in together is not a game nor is it practice for the real deal.  Do you really want to attract the right kind of love into your life?  Are you serious about finding the right person?  If so, then get serious with this stuff!  What feels right is not always the right thing to do!

If each of us did everything we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, our society would resemble more of a circus than it would stability.

Stay tuned.  Next week we are going to cover the single most important aspect of every healthy relationship.  Need a hint?  It starts with a “C”

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love Part 3

Making out a list, re affirming what you do want in a spouse and becoming aware of what you really, truly want. Those are key aspects to attracting the perfect mate.

This week we are going to discuss some unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations you may have.  Truth be know, you may not even be aware you have these and like I mentioned earlier, we can not fix what we do not know is broken.

Our society (culture) has a way of programming us.  Commercials on TV, billboards we drive by, signs, advertising…it’s everywhere.  Through this blast bombardment of images and ideas, shapes our sense of what is important.  Unfortunately this is not always for the betterment of us as people.

We do need to be aware of this.  A large part of the way you think, act and what you believe is a direct result of your constant environment.  So do a check up on yourself.  Up until this point, has your environment been conducive to attracting the kind of person you have written down on your list?

Next, you need to understand that if you have not dealt with any hurts, heartaches, disappointments, bitterness or anger from a past relationship, you are not ready for Mr. or Ms. Right.  I know this may sound harsh and unpopular, but consider a few things.

Any and all hurts of the past that have not been completely extinguished (dealt with properly) you are carrying around with you.  This means that if the right person did come along, you then will be sharing those hurts with them.  Yes, you may bring love, joy and excitement into the relationship but you are also bringing unnecessary baggage and some of it, will probably be destructive to your new someone.

Whatever is impressed upon you must be expressed.  This means, what has happened to you, what you have experienced, felt and lived, must be shown through you.  It will come out through your actions, words, frustration, temperament; it’s all expressed from within.  More times then not, you will be completely unaware you’re even doing it.

Don’t down play this it is a powerful piece of the equation.  Just because you can’t see it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s not at work.  Often, this is where counseling comes into play.  Helping you sort through those unseen things can have magic in it.

Unfortunately, some people see counseling as a negative.  Maybe their pride, ego or even stubbornness won’t allow it.  I choose to see it as a sign of strength and maturity.  Admitting you can’t do something alone and need some guidance or help is a powerful step in growing as an individual and it unlocks the doors to inner freedom.

Next week, we will continue on with unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

When we Want it Bad Enough...

This last summer, I was teaching my youngest daughter, who is five, how to ride a bicycle. I had worked with her many times but the last time, I noticed that she became less interested and I, in return became frustrated. In midsummer, I threw away her training wheels. I wanted her to ride the bike the way it was intended to be ridden. Her neighbor friends were riding their bikes and she kept telling me she wanted to learn. So, with a little inspiration from her dad, she was usually willing to give it another try. During our last attempt, I could tell she was not giving it sincere effort. I saw my own patience growing thinner. The day I thought would be the magic day was quickly becoming just the opposite. In my frustration, I took a step back, and realized what was going on. She did not share my same desire. She wanted to ride, but not bad enough. For whatever reason, human nature demands that we truly desire something before we will give it our heartfelt effort. I don’t understand why this is, I just know it is. History has shown us this as far back as we can look. We want to make more money but we don’t. We want healthier relationships but we don’t. We want to kick unhealthy habits but we don’t. We want to exercise more but we don’t. The list is huge! Why? Because wanting is not enough, we have to hunger for it. Often we have to make or break habits in order to get what we want and it is not always easy. In fact, it can be downright daunting. This element alone is why we have to hunger for something before we will do what is needed to get it. Within a lot of us lies the want but there is an internal battle that takes place. This battle rages between what we want and what we have always known. Which one will win is largely determined by the one we feed. We must be ready and willing to take the risk to do something new to get something we have never had before. This is not always comfortable and fear can sometimes raise its ugly head. But you know what fear is, right? It is nothing more than: False, Evidence, Appearing Real. I know when my daughter reaches a point of truly wanting to ride her bike, she will. It won’t be because her dad pushed her, it will be because she was ready and willing to take the risk to get something she has never had before. Only then will she climb on the bike and ride it. Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Adding Value to Others

Something I have come to learn and understand about raising two daughters is that it is not always easy. Rewarding? Yes, very much so, but it has brought along its fair amount of challenges. With both of my daughters currently being under the age of ten, I am already trying to instill in them what it is to have chores and pick things up after they use them, putting their clothes where they belong and just teaching them responsibility. Personally, I don’t think there is too young of an age to teach this, we just need to make sure that, as parents, were are not being unrealistic in what to expect from them.

My Mom and Dad taught me how to work and how to be responsible fairly early in my life. I am so thankful for this because as I became a teenager and entered the work force, it was easy for me show up on time and do the best job I could, wherever I was working. Calling in sick was just something I don’t ever remember doing. I am sure I did once or twice, but I never used that as an excuse to not go to work. In the words of my dad, “You signed up to do a job, by golly you better be there to do it.”

As I get older and continue to learn more about life and the world around me, the more I realize there is a big element kids need today that even I was not taught growing up. In fact I don’t even recall ever hearing much about it until I was in my late twenties and even then, still did not totally understand what it was and how it affected me. High schools don’t teach it. I am not even sure many colleges teach it. What I am talking about here is adding value: value to our employers and value to the people that we serve. But what does this term really mean? What does it mean to add value to others?

When we add value to somebody we are going above the standard of what we are called to do. Adding value can also come through our willingness or our perception of things. Our personal efficiency at a task could be considered adding value. Some would say it is a lot like being an over-achiever. All of these things bring value to others, no doubt, but to take this a little deeper, what I am talking about here is a mindset and an attitude to back it up.

Unfortunately, our society is making a shift toward the mindset of: “what’s in it for me.” I hate to say it but it is true. Taking on a mindset of adding value to others is completely contradictory to this selfish way of thinking. When I hear our younger generation say this, I respond with, “Everything is in it for you if you will understand it is not about you”. Adding value is about giving, not about taking and when we give more to others than they are expecting, we build them up and help to increase them. In return, by building them up, we are also building ourselves up at the same time. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually, we grow when we give more and add value to someone else.

Take this next week and think of ways you can add more value to someone around you. How can you build them up and help them to succeed? Even if it is only in a small way, bringing more value to someone will come back to each of us, once we have given it. Then, as we bring more value to others, we become more valuable. It’s a win / win circle. Not only that, people like to be around givers, they don’t usually like to be around takers.



Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Part 6 of 7 on our Beliefs.

This is part 7 of 8 of making our beliefs work for us rather than them working against us. If need be, go back and re-read the prior six lessons on this subject. Doing so will help you to make the most of this and grasp the bigger picture.

Last week I challenged you with two different tasks. The first was to find the root of why it was you believe what you do because it is the why that will help to set you free. Secondly, once you found the why, you then need to replace that belief with something different, a new phrase or even a (re-worded) affirmation to help you change what you believe.

At this point, we have addressed a handful of things you need to make the changes in order to believe something different. There is only one more piece to this equation that you will need, in order to believe in a way which will work for you and not against you. It is probably the most important piece so I have decided to save it for last, and that is: ask God to help you with your transition.

No, I am not talking about religion here or joining a church, I am talking about genuinely asking God to help you change your life for the better. After all, you are making some improvements in your life and seeking help from a source who truly cares about you and your well-being is a good idea. I lean on Him often for help and the transformation I have personally gone through over the years still leaves me in awe of what He has helped me accomplish. I look at it a lot like a Father / Son role. If you are a Father, don’t you want the best for your kids? Don’t you want them to make better choices? Doesn’t it make you feel good when your kids trust in you and seek you for help? Asking Him to help you can make a night and day difference as you move toward making the needed changes in your life. Don’t be afraid of doing this, just like a Father hopes his son or daughter will seek him for help, so also, does God.

Now we have to apply and combine these concepts and ideas to we have been talking about over the last 7 weeks and put some action to them. For it is the action that will start the process of change. Then you will need to expect things to happen. Don’t wish for them, don’t hope for them, but expect them. Know that you are worth more than what you think you are worth right now. Believe in you and believe that God will help you change. Stay focused on all of those steps and ideals we have covered. Upon taking the first step, you will find that the following steps will become easier. Mainly because success builds success and added success increases your confidence level, which empowers you to stay the course. Just like when NASA launches a space shuttle, it is the very first 18” of lift that require a tremendous amount of energy to even make it leave the earth. This is a lot like you and me when we begin to make significant changes in our lives. It takes a serious amount of effort and focus to get the process going. But like the space shuttle, once we are on our way, it becomes 10 times easier to keep going.

Next week, we will finish this series and I will leave you with some key information you will need regarding your beliefs.

Until then, have a great Friday and be blessed.

Part 4 of 7 "Beliefs"

This is week IV of changing our beliefs to make them work for us rather then against us. If needed, feel free to go back and view the prior week’s messages on this topic, you can find them on my blog. Today though, let’s go over that list you made containing those beliefs and those things that you want to change for the better.

First order of business: there has been known to be magic in a written down list. We have done it for the: honey do list, choir list, shopping list and even recently it was the Christmas shopping list. To make a list, read it aloud and then mark things off that list gives us confidence because we are able to see and measure progress. This list of beliefs you want to change works very much the same way. Remember, you gave yourself permission to examine and change some things, so honor that and don’t look back. But write it down, no, a mental list is not good enough.

Take the first item on your list and read it aloud. Then, ask yourself why is it that you believe that? What makes you believe that to be true for you? Is it a past experience, a past teaching or did your Mom and Dad teach you that? Basically, challenge the why behind the belief. Here is why: if what you believe you inherited by someone else, then the truth of it is that all you did was merely adopt that belief as your own. You didn’t create it by yourself, you got it 2nd hand or as a hand me down. Now this is not bad by any means but if it is not working for you to produce a harvest, then why not just let go of it? Simply put, it was never really yours to start with. If you didn’t create it on your own, it belongs to someone else. So… if you don’t like it and it does not work for you, then simply give it back. Much like racism, it is rarely ever conceived from one’s own self, it is inherited.

If you have a belief about something that is holding you back and it was formed through a life experience then you are going to have a harder time replacing that belief but yes, it can still be done. An example of what I am talking about here is let’s say you believe that being rich is evil (just as an example). You believe this because you have seen first hand rich people step on, mistreat, abuse and take advantage of others. So for you, rich people are evil and you relate being rich with stepping on others to get ahead. This is how your belief was formed. To change that belief, you may need to do some leg work and find those who have done a lot of good with large sums of money. Maybe even meet a few of those people who are rich, talk with them, see what there attitude is like and see the good they have done for there community or the people in it. I personally know a handful of people who are very well off and I have seen some of the good that there fortune has. Reaching out to find, examine and study those who have done great things with money can correct the belief you have that rich people take advantage of people and that’s how they get rich. Again, this is just one example I am using, there are several ways to overcome this particular subject. And remember, you need to allow yourself to believe a different way. It’s the allowing that has the power in it to transform.

The idea here is to challenge what you believe. It’s the why. I use to think that anyone who golfed in the rain was totally crazy! That was my Dad’s belief, not mine but he gave it to me when I was young and I accepted it. Until one day, when I was in my teen’s, I saw my Dad fishing the river, from the bank and not only was it pouring down rain, but it was just 34 degrees! So…when you see something like this, you have to stop and wonder: “where did I get my beliefs from”? Challenge those beliefs you have written down on your list, challenge every one of them. Are they even yours or did you just inherit them? Where did they come from and how did you end up with them? All of these questions demand a solid answer.

Next week, we will cover part 5 and go deeper with your list.

Have a great Friday everyone and be blessed.

Part 3 of 7 "Beliefs"

This is the 3rd week I have been talking about re programming our minds to change what it is that we believe in order for our beliefs to work for us and not against us. It may help you to go back over the prior 2 weeks messages and re cap on them prior to moving forward with this week’s message. It is a lot to take in and grasp but if you will stay with this material and it’s message, you can change your belief’s and make them work for you rather then against you.

Now that you have made out a list of those things that you believe to be true about yourself, what you need to understand is that the ONLY thing in this world that makes them true for you, it is simply because you believe it. That’s right, it’s only your acceptance of it, not mine, not your spouse’s, not your bosses or your family. It’s just you and you alone. This is great news for you because that means you are only battling one thing and one thing alone. Not other people, no outside situations or things, you are only battling your mind. This alone should give you an understanding that the work needed to change your beliefs is not as big of a task as you may have originally thought it was.

The next step that needs to happen in this process is for you to understand that of those items on your list, they are only for you to change, no one else. Remember, this is all internal, not external. You believe those things on that list to be true because you choose to do so. Maybe not consciously… but you did choose to do so. Yes, I know that there were outside influences that added to this list, I get that and agree with you. What I am asking you to do is to accept responsibility for you and your beliefs. From here on…hold yourself accountable and be responsible. This is a huge part of re programming your beliefs because if you continue to blame someone else for why you are like you are, then why would you ever really need to change? It would not be your fault so there would be no need. This is your life, not your Mom’s, not your Dad’s, not your spouses or your ex spouses. Grab your life and take ownership of it, if you have blamed others, then stop. Understand that they have there own problems to deal with, why on earth would giving them more things to deal with help you or help them?

The next step in making your beliefs work for you rather then against you is to allow yourself to change. Give yourself permission to think differently, do differently and learn differently. Yes, it will feel awkward at first as most any kind of change does, but know inside that why you are changing is important, it is needed and that it is ok to do so.

Remember, this is all about you getting some different results in your life and to do so, you are going to have to think differently, view things differently, believe differently which will all cause you to act differently. All because, it is what you believe to be true right now today, that has got you what you have right now. Truly, aside from the mechanics and tasks needed to accomplish anything in life, it is our belief’s that dictate and direct most everything we do. Giving our self permission to believe in a different way, can also give us self empowerment and when we are going to take a stand and first challenge and then change our beliefs, little things like self empowerment will help you along the way.

Next week we will go over part IV of making your beliefs work for you rather then against you and cover the list you made of things you want to change about what you believe.

Until then, have a great Friday everyone and be blessed.