To Someone... Your Words Matter

Allen had lived a great life.  He had many achievements and accomplishments over the years.  He married his high school sweetheart at age 20 and shortly thereafter, they started a family.

He was involved in his community, church and several non-profit organizations.

Over the next 65 years, Allen served on various boards and became well respected around his town.  He started a business, hired employees and grew his business to a point where he could generously give back.  Not just with money but his time.

Allen was known for helping others.  He was flexible with his employees and their family schedules so they could tend to things that were important to them.  He strived to make a difference in people and believed that instilling a positive attitudes, respect and honor into his children, were the best traits he could leave them.

One day, in his late 80’s, Allen died.  Upon his ascent into heaven, he saw a large screen that appeared to be playing various movies.  As he got closer, he realized they were segments of his life, all playing at the same time, on one screen.  Each movie was showing the difference he had made in someone’s life.  Right in front of him, he was hearing and seeing story after story how his generosity and willingness to share had made such an impact on so many.  He could not help but feel an abundance of love while seeing all of this unfold.

He also noticed on the far side of the screen, there were people whom he knew who were not talking very nice about him.  The movies showed these people spreading rumors and talking badly about him behind his back.  They made false accusations about him and unfortunately, Allen knew everyone of them.  Some were friends, neighbors and even employees whom he had paid salaries and bonuses to for years.

Upon seeing this, Allen was overcome with disbelief.  The same people whom he had given his time, energy and finances to were not only disrespectful but were also unthankful.  It only took a minute before his heart was heavy and with hurt feelings, his eyes filled with tears.  He kept thinking: how could people whom he had done so much for, be so ungrateful.

This story was given to me in a dream and is not far from reality.  All of us, at some point, have been ungrateful to those who have given to us.  The question is: do we still do it and will we continue to do it?

The next time you start to talk about someone to somebody, stop and ask yourself:  would I be saying this if that person was standing beside me?  If they were to hear your words, would it build them up or tear them down?

Life really is in the power of the tongue.  Each day, we have a choice to be thankful for what we have. Words aren’t just words they are an outward statement of what is taking place on the inside of us.  

Don’t allow yourself to think: it doesn’t matter.  Unintentional or direct, all of our words matter.

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Always Changing

Friday's Thoughts often talk about change and there’s good reason for it:  we live in an ever-changing world. 

When I was younger, I didn’t understand this. I thought certain things would always be the same.  To some degree, this gave a false sense of security, thinking I would always be ok once I got in my routine.  What I have come to find over the years is that nothing could be further from the truth.

Everything around us is evolving and changing, everyday, all the time.  Have you heard the term, if you’re not growing you’re going backwards?  There is a lot of truth to that.  Everything around us is in a slow movement of being more different today than it was yesterday and we need to be aware of this.

Yesterday the stock market was either higher or lower than it is right now.  Buildings being built are now closer to being completed.  Kids in school are more knowledgeable today than they were yesterday.  People, pets, grass and plants have all grown.  Essentially, there is nothing that stays exactly the same.  Once we realize and accept this, our life can take on deeper clarity. 

As a sales person or business owner, we already understand some months will be better than others.  Facts are facts.  Things change and often there is nothing we can do about it.  So what’s the best medicine for an ever-changing world?  Be flexible and change with the times.

We live in a different economy than it once was.  Our kids are older, our jobs require more from us.  Maybe our spouses need more from us today than yesterday.  Traffic has increased while prices have gone up.  Maybe we put on a few more pounds, our hair line is continuing to recede or it’s turning grey. 

If you and I will embrace change, our success can be far greater than we would have ever known.  Many years ago, I heard a billionaire speak at a conference and he said, “great success is not near as much challenge, as it is change.” 

What can you do different today that will use change to your benefit?  Learn to be flexible.  Just because you have always done things a certain way does not mean you have keep doing it that way.  And remember, just because you think it will never change, doesn’t mean it won't.  Even a body in a coffin is… well, you get it.

Have a great changing weekend, be blessed.

Maturity is a Choice

Where does maturity come from and how do we get it?

Years ago, I often sought older friends to associate with.  Then, I believed they had the experience, wisdom and maturity and I wanted to learn from.  What I found was just the opposite.

All of us could agree, you don’t have to look very hard to see immaturity.  Not just from kids but from adults of all ages.  Just watch how they act when things don’t go the way they think they should.  With the Presidential elections ramping up and the online social media outlets like Facebook, immaturity is apparent everywhere.

Every once in awhile I will meet a young person who proves to be very mature.  What they say and how they say it, how they carry themselves qualify them as someone who has it together.  They prove they are very mature for their age.

Meaningful, intelligent two-way conversations with them can be quite pleasant.  They don’t feel the need to prove themselves or act like they have all the answers.  You have to admit, there is an attraction to these types.

Dr. Mike Murdock probably said it best, “Grey hair doesn’t make you smart.”  How profound!  It’s also apparent that age does not make us wise nor does age equal maturity.  Our culture and society, however, have tried to make us believe otherwise.    

Age does equate to experience but experience alone does not always equal the previous traits mentioned.  So what do all of these things have in common?  Maturity!

To admit we were wrong takes maturity.  To realize we don’t have all the answers and the answers we do have, may not be the right ones, takes maturity.  To humble ones self and seek to do better takes maturity.  The reality is, maturity could be considered the doorway by which many other personal qualities follow.

Maturity comes from being humble.  Therefore, arrogance and maturity can rarely co-exist.  Expressing maturity is also showing others you don’t have a need to be right on every subject.  It’s allowing someone to be wrong with dignity.

Maturity can also be the opposite of selfishness.  We are willing to let others have their way, regardless of the outcome and how it affects us.

Maybe this is why we see so much immaturity everywhere.  In large, we have become a society of wanting things our way, when we want it, the way we want it.

The bigger thought is: what are we teaching our children?  Are we setting a healthy example of maturity for them?  Are we setting them up for a rewarding, peaceful life?  What about the way we treat our children?  Are we showing maturity when we communicate with them?  How about when we discipline?

Gaining this clarity on maturity has made a profound difference in my expectations about the young and old and why they act like they do.  It will for you too, once you embrace it.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

It's Ok... Dream big - Part 2

Who is the most important person in your life?  Who should you put first and be true to above all others?

The answer may surprise you.  No, it’s not your spouse, nor is it your parents.  It’s not even your kids. It’s you!

You are going to live with you your whole life. The short 80-90 years we are given can be lived with bliss, joy and truth but only if you make you a top priority. I’m not talking about being self absorbed, narcissistic, or selfish.  I’m talking about believing in your self.

Do you put your self first when it comes to your dreams and goals?  Those ideas you have, the images held in your mind of you accomplishing a dream… if you don’t make them a priority, who else will?

Last week, we covered the issue of being laughed at and others making fun of our dreams. Typically, this causes self doubt.  Well-meaning people who sometimes genuinely care, offering their unsolicited thoughts and advice, can affect us the most.

Here’s a reminder all of us need to hear from time to time: Others probably don’t think much of you because they don’t think much about you. 

You were born unique.  There has never been nor will there ever be another you.  Don’t expect your co-workers, neighbors or even family members to understand you because chances are they won’t.  On a side note, most don’t even understand themselves.  To some degree, the majority of us are trying to determine if we can truly believe in ourselves.

Your dreams, goals and aspirations… they are yours!  The only way someone else can take them from you is if you give them up.  Why would you want to do that?  Even if you don’t have clarity or fully understand why you have a passion for what you do, there is a reason for it.   

Often, our dreams are tied to getting something.  Maybe you wish to buy a home, take an exotic trip or start a business.  Of course there is nothing wrong with getting things, I think all of us need a reason and sometimes material things to keep us pressing on through thick and thin.

The bigger reason for having them is not for the getting, it’s for the becoming.  That is, who we become while stretching, working and reaching for the dream is far more important in the long run than actually getting it.  The late Jim Rohn said it best: It’s not what you get that makes you valuable; it’s what you become that makes you valuable.

It’s ok… dream big!  Go ahead, I dare you.  What is inside you that wants to blossom? What have you wanted to pursue but have never taken the first step?  What is it that crosses your mind from day to day and leaves you feeling inspired and ready to tackle anything?  Chances are this is what you need to go after and move toward.   All the while, becoming the type of person needed to achieve the goal.

Let yourself change and let yourself become a little uncomfortable because if it is worth while, chance are, you will have to.  Your dream is waiting!  Take the action and move toward it.

Don’t let anybody steal your dream.  Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

It's Ok...Dream Big

When we were younger, we did it all the time. There was always time for it and when we did, it was almost like we grew wings. 

Why, as adults, do we grow away from dreaming? It’s as if it just slips away, month after month, year after year.  I’m not talking about dreaming of getting, I’m talking about dreaming of becoming.

A fireman, jet fighter pilot, race car driver, captain of a cruise ship or dancing on Broadway, each of us had a dream that was bigger than who we were.  Maybe even so big others laughed at us.

Could it be this is why we gave up on our dreams?  To avoid being laughed at, humiliated or even embarrassed?  Maybe we started believing others when they said “you could never be that.”  “What makes you think you’re good enough?”

Life tends to take on a different meaning when we have a goal or a dream.  We have something to work for, something to motivate us, push us and cause us to work hard. But more than just motivation, we need to believe we are worth going after what we want. 

Jack Canfield, the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, says that low self esteem can be traced back to most of the problems our society faces today.  How does low self esteem over take us?  Usually by accepting what others say to us.

Not intentionally, but we tend to put a lot of weight into others approval or disapproval of ourselves.  Doing so, makes us change our actions to please someone else.  Meanwhile, putting who we are and what we want to do with our life on the back burner.

Literally, we tell ourselves that what we want is not important.  Someone else’s view and opinion is more important than our own.  After allowing this a handful of times, we have given away our self esteem little by little until years later, we have no more.

Overall, most people mean well and have good intentions.  How they portray it though, is entirely another topic.  We can’t always expect someone who we love or look up to guide us in the direction that is best for us.  Simply put, people cannot give you what they do not have.

There has always been someone to come along and tell us we weren’t good enough, you’re stupid or even crazy for trying.  I know this well as I have had many over the years.  A few times, it was the people closest to me.

 But once I started accomplishing a few things with my life, it was interesting how those people just seemed to disappear.  That unsupportive negativity vanished once I went and accomplished what I set out to do.  The same thing will happen for you too once you realize you are worth more and are the single most valuable person in your life.

No really, you are!  If you can’t learn to put you first, how can you possibly take care of or truly value anyone else?  It starts with you.

Next week, we will get into part 2 of: It’s Ok… Dream Big and why your self esteem matters more than you think.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

   

We don't create who we are, we discover who we are

People sometimes spend a lifetime looking for what they want to do with their life. Ever been asked: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" This is a valid question. Do you know?

Every day, all around us, we come in contact with people who simply go through the motions of life. They have an average job and an average life. Sadly enough, they never search deep or long enough to discover their purpose or passion.

I hear a lot of people say, "I can’t wait to retire in 3, 4 or 6 years." I am sure it is exciting to think about retirement, however, I would also ask them about their life now and what you were put here to do?

I invested 15 years of searching before I found my passion. It was a process. I didn’t create who I am. God did that. I discovered who I am, that was my job. God is the ultimate creator and he has given us creative abilities. That is, our minds, an imagination the ability to strategically plan out a process. I believe it is our responsibility to apply those things which He gave us.

Self-discovery, for most of us, is not an overnight deal. It’s an ongoing daily, monthly and even yearly deal. That is, year after year we need to continue to invest in it. Persist without ceasing if need be. It has been said that cemeteries are some of the richest places on earth. There, lie the dreams, ideas and plans that were never executed or put into play. Think about this for a moment. If you were to die tonight, what dreams, hopes and ideas would die with you?

Our talents, strengths and abilities, combined with personality style, demeanor and looks, make each of us unique. There is nobody like you. There is something you are to do, overcome and accomplish that no one else could do as well as you.
Whose pain do you feel? Whose tears affect you the most? Whose sorrows weigh on your heart the heaviest? These are all keys to what you are to discover about yourself.

Life is a lot about finding. We find our self, find our way, what we're good at and one day, we all hope to find the perfect spouse. Each time we find, we open a new door that leads us to further discovery which awakens a part of us that previously lay dormant.

Start making small changes in your day to day routine that will help you to discover. Small changes today, tomorrow and next month, are the keys to moving closer to those things you want in life.

Remember that there is no discovery without action. Take action today to insure a better tomorrow.

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

If God is Real...Why Can't I see Him?

Is the question, does God exist?  OR… is my mind open to see it?
 
Recently, I was sitting at a table with friends and family enjoying a meal when the discussion surfaced…does God exist. 

I admit, I thoroughly enjoy this type of topic.  By nature, I am a listener.  Listening to people talk and use words in a specific manner creates knowledge.  You can find the answer to nearly every question by listening, if you get good enough at it.

In this 35 minute discussion, I rarely spoke.  There was no reason to.  No one at the table was interested in answers.  They were far more interested in sharing their thoughts and ideas.  While sitting there, I realized something profound!
 
In this setting, the real rooted question was not about weather God existed or not.  The real subject was if he exists, why can't I see Him.  The short, black and white answer to this is easier than you might think.The discussion went several different ways with opinions, ideas and thoughts.  As I sat there intently listening, one phrase that kept being repeated was “it is hard to believe in God because you can't see Him and I can only believe in what I see.” 
 

What we believe and hold in our mind as truth, determines most every aspect of our life because all of our choices are based around what we believe.  If you can’t see God, maybe it’s because your personal belief system is not letting you.
 
Largely formed from our past, our belief system holds all of the good and the bad experiences.  Hurts, pain, pleasures and memories.  Books you have read and people you have associated with, parents, successes and tragedies.  It's all accounted for and all of it has created you and what you hold as truth.
 
This means, each of us hold an image of what we think God looks like, where He is and what He does.  Some hold the belief that He is like a step father with a zero tolerance for error and punishes swiftly.  Others see Him as a gentle, loving, caring, guiding Dad who holds unconditional love for His children.  The way you see Him or think of Him is in large, based on your programming. (Experiences)
 
Those who don't believe, it could be your personal set of beliefs do not line up with what God is suppose to look like.  Therefore, He must not exist.  After all, what kind of God would allow so much destruction, hate, hunger and evil in the world, right?  
 
If your own belief system does not line up with the image of what God is suppose to look like for you, your belief system will dismiss it as invalid.  Therefore, making it only logical to take the stance that God doesn't exist.
 
I know for a fact that several of my family sitting around the table that night have had miracles in their life.  A few, more than once.  Yet they still struggle with believing that God exists. 

One could ask, where do miracles come from?  After all, if we will only do a little searching, we will see that miracles happen all around us, sometimes every day. 
 
Science has gone to great length to prove there is no God.  Yet, the search itself has raised more questions than can be answered.  Even if they are answerable, it requires faith in the science itself to accept its answers.  
 
Believing in God is more of a faith thing than it is a seeing thing.  Yes, many have seen and experienced things that make no sense as to why or how.  Personally, I fit into this category.  Many have seen miracles happen in their own life and yet still refuse to accept that God had anything to do with it.  Even when claiming God is the only half way reasonable answer, they still cannot bring themselves to accept it.   
 
Pride and ego also play a factor. If a person is more interested in being right then seeking the truth, all the proof in the world will not be enough to convince.
 
I have heard that coincidences are when God chooses to remain anonymous. Personally, I am ok with that.  I don't need a mathematical equation to answer every coincidence that happens in my life. 

If you do, that’s ok.  Just remember, there is no proof the sun will come up tomorrow.  We believe it will come up because we have faith.  That faith comes from the past, seeing it rise and set many times before.  Yes, even faith, is built on what we have and have not seen.
 
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Finding Your Calling ~ Final Chapter

Are you ready to put action into finding your calling?  This is the final overview in the series - Finding Your Calling.

This may challenge your beliefs but in actuality, finding your calling is not necessarily difficult, however, it will take a lot of persistence and determination.  Those two items do take energy and focus and maybe for some, that is hard.  But finding your purpose is a journey.  It is a process.  Not a one or two day event.

In the beginning of this series, I shared with you that it will take searching.  Remember, this is critical.  Anytime we want to achieve something, it takes an internal desire.  There needs to be a strong desire because that is what will fuel you through the highs and lows.

Keep in mind that not all of us are called to a specific industry, place or business.  In recent conversations, a gentleman told me he gets the greatest joy from helping senior citizens and is looking into moving to Arizona to serve them.  For him, it did not matter where he was, only that it involves that demographic of people. A long time friend shared that he obtains a lot of satisfaction from working on cars and trucks.  New or older, it did not matter.

Ancient scripture tells us there is a time and a place for everything under the sun.  Without even reading any further, this means each of us have and go through seasons.  Seasons are determined by our choices.  That means as we grow, as we find, and as we search, we make choices based on our thinking, what we believe and where we’re at mentally and emotionally in our life.

Regardless of what season you are going through today, you can still choose to search.  Every time we stretch our neck out and look for those things we have no answers to, we grow as a person.  We learn more about ourselves.  At the same time, we are becoming someone of higher awareness. Becoming is the essence of life.  We don't just one day turn into a business man or business woman.  We become a businessman or businesswoman.

It took me 15 years to find my purpose.  How long will it take you?  God only knows.  But I can promise you that if you will get serious about searching, you will find.  Finding your calling is not a mystery, it is a process, mostly through trial and error.  But don't count the errors as negatives; they are part of the price you must pay to find what you are looking for.

A level of peace, satisfaction and clarity awaits you when you do find it.  I can only say this because I have lived it.  There is tranquility in the finding, especially after paying the price over a lengthy time.

When you find it, you will never have to work another day in your life.  Everything you do is not work, but rather exhilarating.  It fuels you, drives you and leaves you with more energy at the end of the day than when you started.  Ask any person who has found their purpose and is now living it.  They can concur.

What are you going to do to further your search?  It's time to step up to the plate and put action into your plan.  No one else can or will do it for you.  Years from now, you will look back at today and either wished you had...or be glad you did.  It's your choice. 

Make that call to a coach or someone who can help you.  Seek out a mentor, read a book or two, counsel with those who have already found their calling.  Take your list (you did make one right?) and keep it in front of you.  Read it allowed often.  It will be a powerful tool as you search.

By reading this series, you have stepped up to the plate.  Are you going to get in the game by swinging at the ball or go back and sit on the bench?

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Finding Your Calling ~ Part 3

What is it that makes you become angry or keeps you awake at night?  Maybe this is what you were meant to fix or cure.

This is week three: Finding Your Calling.

Oftentimes, the reason we can't seem to find our purpose or passion is because we are not at a high enough level of awareness.  That is, do you pay attention to what you think about when your mind drifts, do you notice how certain things make you feel?

Increasing your awareness is as easy as recognizing how you feel after eating or drinking. Paying attention to you as opposed to just going through life is awareness and it is a great tool in helping you realize what your calling is.

 Chances are, at sometime during your life, you have been through a life-changing event.  It may have been substantial or it may have been only minor. But looking back, it weighs on your heart.

It made you feel a certain way which you have never been able to explain.  You just knew that you knew.  It triggered something inside that you've never forgotten.  This is likely a clue to your calling.

What have you seen happen that got under your skin and you couldn’t stop thinking about it?  Is there a person associated with this?  Anytime you are called to something, for a purpose, there will be some sort of adversary you must face.  

Doctor’s battle sickness, mechanics fix broken cars, attorneys fight for their clients legally.  Even Superman had enemies.  Without rivalries, there would be no need for someone to step up to the plate.  This has been happening before man even came on the scene!

But not everyone is called to a life of facing their adversaries.  Does that mean their life is any less important?  Absolutely not.  In our society, we need technicians, craftsman, laborers and those with outstanding people skills.  Without them, our cities, malls and roads would be nothing.  Can you imagine what our infrastructure would look like without these skilled folks?  They are critical to our society!

What I have found, is that people go on a search for something greater because they are neither satisfied nor fulfilled where they're at.  Some currently love what they do. It does not matter what it is, it only matters that it is.  God has given you strengths, abilities and gifts which He has not bestowed on others.  They are meant for you to use.  Not using them is to waste what you have been given.

I want you to make a list.  On the left side of your paper, list your strengths.  On the right side, list those activities you enjoy.  At the bottom of the page, list the things that are difficult for you to tolerate.  Things that get under your skin, maybe even make you mad!

If you find it difficult to make out this list, take some extra time and put some thought into it. These three columns hold within them valuable keys to helping you find you’re calling.  Like any list, being written holds power in it.  Do not think a mental list is good enough, it's not!

Next week, we will look into the who it is that can help you find your calling.

Have a great week everyone, be blessed.

Finding Your Calling

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Most all of us have asked this, at least a few times.  But have you answered it?

Why are you here and what is your purpose?  These questions demand an answer!  We are going to take the next several weeks and cover this subject.  My aim is to help you uncover some hidden keys that will lead you to answering those questions.  First off, here are a few things you need to understand:

The Bible says if you search, you will find.  It does not say if you think about it and it does not say to toy with it.  It says to search, and searching takes dedication, determination and focus.  So, ask yourself; are you willing to search?

My search began in my twenties. I tried many things, all to find what I didn’t want, long before I found what I did want.  Although this can take time and energy, it is also a great way to learn about yourself. Look at it as an investment and not an expense.

It took 15 years of searching before I finally found my purpose.  Some may think this is a long time.  I don’t see it that way.  Living your whole life and never finding your purpose, like so many people do, is very sad.  Although it took years, I believe I found mine at just the right time.

A few find their passion quickly.  Their time investment is short and they are very fortunate.  However, these people can also miss some of the trials and errors and the personal development they gain along the way.  It’s a trade off.

If you want to find your purpose bad enough, you will do what it takes.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Proof is all around us.  Many people have put finding their passion on the back burner.  The reasons for doing so are countless.  But the reasons are not nearly as important as the consequences.

Living an entire life and never finding what you’re passionate about or what you’re called to do is a steep sacrifice.  In a sense, one trades his or her whole life for a less-than-best life from what they could have had.  Pretty harsh trade off, don’t you think?

I say that because I know first-hand how my energy level, inner fulfillment and dreams have grown since answering the million dollar question regarding my own purpose.  It truly has given me a different outlook in a multitude of ways, as well as shown me why I am passionate regarding certain things.

There are keys about yourself (that you may not even be aware of) which will assist your search in the right direction.  They will even enlighten you along the way.

You also need to understand that finding your purpose will change things.  The way you look at your life and what you value is likely to change.  You will look and feel differently about yourself.  You will know that you know and it will be very difficult to explain to anyone else at the level you understand it.  Clarity on many things you have previously questioned will abound.

You will also likely realize that certain tasks and duties you currently do are likely to be less important.  This can be both good and bad.  The realization of your purpose, though, is not free.  Like anything in this world, there is a price to pay for things of great value.

So, are you still ready to go on this search which will change your life?

Next week, we will look at what some of those keys are.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 11 (Final)

Attracting healthy love is something we do because of the person we become.  This is the final segment of this series.

The Attracting Healthy Love series has been filled with healthy, positive and thought provoking ideas.  I wish I could tell you all of it is my own insight but that would be far from true.  The ideas shared are a collection of common denominators, some from experts who have been studying relationships before I was even a twinkle in my parent’s eyes.

I encourage you to review these from time to time. Although there are literally dozens of different subjects we could have gone into in-depth, the ones we have touched base on are a great platform from which to build on.  And, like anything we build, a healthy foundation is the basis that keeps all of it from falling apart.

You have your list.  Update it as needed. This is your centerpiece for attracting the right kind of person to you.  Remember what I said, there is magic in reading it out loud.   Take this seriously. Make your written list part of your life, just as you do your personal hygiene.

Remember you cannot attract someone to you that you are not willing to first become.  In your mind, if you can picture a beautiful, gentle, thoughtful person you want as a partner, you first have to become that person.

For some, attracting and finding Mr. or Ms. Right will be difficult.  For others, this concept is somewhat familiar.  It depends on where you come from and what your past has been.  Regardless of where you are, there is a learning curve.  Allow yourself grace to work through this.

Whether or not you can believe, you are worth so much more than you realize.  Too often we devalue our self-worth because of fear, the fear of not finding the right person.  The result is we settle for less than the best. 

Remember, as a rule, no one will ever value or love you any more than you value or love yourself.  If you want someone to think the world of you, you need to think the world of yourself.  I am not talking about narcissism.  I am talking about loving yourself and knowing how valuable you are as a person.

If you don’t love yourself first, how can you possibly love someone else? Love runs on a two way street, not one way.  As unfortunate as it is, many people go through life with a low self-esteem.  Look at how many people look down when they are walking. It’s sad.

Lastly, if you’re willing to adopt new healthy habits, you will substantially increase your chances of attracting healthy love into your life. More times than not, it is the little things repeated daily which make all the difference, not the less frequent bigger things.

Attracting healthy love will take practice.  There will be trial and error, so expect it.  It’s changing how you think, what you believe to be true, and accepting that we may not have all the answers.  Taking these ideas and implementing them into your life is easy to talk about, harder to do, and it won’t work every time.  But what it is guaranteed to do is change who you are becoming.  And that is the key to attracting who you want into your life.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed!

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 9

We all have a love style.  Do you know yours?

This is part nine in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.

The way in which you feel loved is a critical piece to making a healthy relationship last long-term.  Each one of us has a primary love style (love language) that makes us feel loved.

For example, some people feel loved by receiving gifts.  Others feel loved by simply being touched.  Sharing positive encouraging words, doing acts of service for that special person or sharing quality time, are all different styles in which we feel loved.

Each one of us has a primary and a secondary love style.  Knowing what makes us feel loved is an important piece of the puzzle when attracting healthy love into our lives. 

Just like the different personality styles, there is no right or wrong.  Your love style is the style you were born with as a child.  You felt loved then the same way you do today, only in a more intimate, mature way.

Many times, in the past when I have coached people about obtaining healthy relationships in their lives, I am reminded that many people are simply not aware they even have a love style.  To this I say: if you don’t know what actions make you feel loved, how will you be aware of what actions are necessary for your spouse to feel loved?

Love is a verb.  It is more than just saying I love you.  We show our love in our daily actions.  The majority of time, by nature, we tend to show love to our special someone the same way we like to receive love.  Although this is not necessarily bad, it is not always correct.

Our spouse needs to be loved according to their style, not just how we think they should feel love.  The person who is fueled by being touched, is not going to feel love the same way by being told positive, affirming compliments.  Both are important but in this example, physical touch will flood their heart with love far better than anything else.

Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of: The five Love Languages is an expert in this area.  If you are serious about attracting healthy love, I recommend reading his book and studying the styles.  You need to know and understand your style.  Then you will begin to understand how Mr. or Ms. Right will need to feel loved when they come into your life.

Next week we will go into part 10 in Attracting Healthy Love, Expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 7

Remember the list I asked you to make several weeks ago?  Did you do it?  This week, we are going to touch base on your list and what it means to you.  

If you do not have a list made or are unsure of what I am referring to, feel free to go back to the first and second weeks of this series.
 
This is week seven in the series: Attracting Healthy Love.
 
There is power in a written list.  People who are goal setters are well aware of this.  Writing heartfelt things and reviewing them often, tends to have magic in it.  That magic is more of an attraction.
 
Your list should include things that are important to you in finding your special someone.  As a reminder, there should not be anything on the list which includes the words: I do not want or I do not like...  If you have this on your list, remove it immediately.  

As a general rule, 20 things might be too much and 10 might not be enough.  Feel free to be specific, as it is not the same as being picky.  This is your life we are talking about, your lifelong spouse, friend and companion

Too often people sell themselves short in finding what they really want.   They are too afraid they will never find the right someone, so they settle for second or third best.  When they do this, we know how the story turns out.  For a period of time they deal with it.  Then they become frustrated, and finally, they find themselves miserable.

As we grow in maturity and responsibility, so do our needs and desires.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Just make sure your list is as accurate to your true inner self as possible.
 
A few things to remember: In the bigger picture, our bodies, desires and interests can and do change.  That is life.  When I was 21, I had most of the hair I was born with.  By the age of 28, I had very little.  Now, what is left is turning grey!  Oh how lucky I am.

Keep the main things the main things and let go of the insignificants.  If you’re hung up on an exact height and weight and refuse to deviate, you may need a checkup from the neck up.
 

Read your list, out loud, several times a week, even daily if possible.  You need to hear yourself say out loud what you want in a spouse.  Then continue to work on yourself.  Deal with the past and get through the hurts.  You can never be too good for Mr. or Ms. Right.

Next week, we will look at part 8 on Attracting Healthy Love.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed!


 

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 6

So far, we have uncovered a handful of destructive and unhealthy ideals with regard to attracting healthy love.  This week we are going to go over that "C" word.   You know... commitment.
 If you were to ask any couple who has been married for an extensive period of time, the one word you will hear over and over again is commitment.  That is, a commitment to and for each other.  But what does that really mean?
 When we make a commitment to someone, we are making a statement which speaks volumes.  A heartfelt commitment (which should be the only kind of commitment) means that come hell or high water, good or bad, better or worse, you are in this for the long haul.  Commitments should not be made because of emotions.  It is ok to have them, but using them as your sole guide could very easily put you in a situation you never intended to be, wondering: "How did this happen?"
 Although I have said this before, I am going to say it again: It is never a good idea to make long-term choices based on short-term feelings.  Most of the time those waves of emotions, in a new relationship, will blow like the wind in the first year.  Commitment is first an internal choice that is expressed outwardly, not the other way around.
 Commitment is more than just sticking it out in tough times.  It is also about helping the other person when they need it.  Making adjustments in our attitude and behavior is a way of following through on a commitment.  Commitments can be viewed as working together through problems rather than letting your spouse deal with their stuff while you wait patiently on the sidelines.  It doesn't mean everything is always going to be great.  It doesn't mean everything will be perfect.  It means you agree to work together in order for the relationship to grow.
 Commitment is not a one-way street, it has two lanes.  Both parties need to have equal levels of commitment for a relationship to be healthy.  25% commitment from one person and 75% from the other simply cannot last long-term.  How will you know a person’s level of commitment?  There are two answers.
 By becoming a person who can make a heartfelt commitment, you will attract someone like you.  To do this, it is you who must become that person.  To try and find someone who can commit, all the while knowing on the inside you cannot, is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.  It's absurd and unrealistic.
 The second part in realizing true commitment, is watching what people do, not what they say.  Words are easy to say and unfortunately, are too often shallow.  Watch to see if people's actions line up with their words.  This is a good way to tell if someone is truly heartfelt about their commitments. 
 Combine these two ideas and you have stacked the deck in your favor for having a healthy, committed relationship.
 Next week, we will be touching base on the bigger picture and your detailed list.
 Have a great week everyone, be blessed.
 

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 5

Moving too fast too soon usually causes a lot of unnecessary pain.  Too often, this is done by making long-term choices based on short-term feelings.    

Feelings come and go.  In general, they are like the wind.  Love, lust, happiness and sadness, they flow constantly.  What we must understand is, we do not make long-term choices based on ongoing changes in our feelings. 

Sometimes, when feelings and emotions are running wide open, moving in together seems to be the best thing to do.  For whatever reason, our society even applauds it.   This I have never understood nor find any logic to it.  A couple who wants to “play house” and truly think this is the right thing is more than likely setting themselves up for disaster, especially if this is done early in the relationship.

Need I say this again?  Making long-term choices based on short-term feelings is stupid!  How many times have we heard: “Well, I need to see if we are compatible” or “this will help us make sure we’re right for each other.”  These are the craziest and most ridiculous ideas I have ever heard.

Healthy relationships are built on solid, successful principals and commitment, not feelings.  They always have been and always will be.  If you’re twisted up over which way the roll of toilet paper goes on, or if the cap is left off the toothpaste, you have far deeper issues to deal with than finding the right person!

Why would anyone want to join their life to someone with whom they are truly not committed?  (Aside from a roommate, of course.) Ask any couple who has been married 20 plus years, they will tell you, commitment, not feelings, made and kept their marriage.

If children or teenage kids are involved, you better think long and hard before disrupting their home.  That is, move them somewhere, or move someone else into their home.  You may think it is a great idea but the consequences for doing so can have life-long effects.

Your kids need to see you make good choices.  They need a good example set for them.  It’s tough being a kid.  Their bodies are changing, they’re growing up and they are receiving peer pressure from all sides.  What they need the most is a stable, secure home life with parent(s) who are committed to them, not the latest flavor of the month.

I have seen a young mom move her and her young daughter in and out of several of her boy friend’s homes over the course of just two years.  All because she thought they each were the “right one.” We may never know the impact of how damaging that mom’s choices were to her daughter.

Moving in together is not a game nor is it practice for the real deal.  Do you really want to attract the right kind of love into your life?  Are you serious about finding the right person?  If so, then get serious with this stuff!  What feels right is not always the right thing to do!

If each of us did everything we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, our society would resemble more of a circus than it would stability.

Stay tuned.  Next week we are going to cover the single most important aspect of every healthy relationship.  Need a hint?  It starts with a “C”

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love Part 3

Making out a list, re affirming what you do want in a spouse and becoming aware of what you really, truly want. Those are key aspects to attracting the perfect mate.

This week we are going to discuss some unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations you may have.  Truth be know, you may not even be aware you have these and like I mentioned earlier, we can not fix what we do not know is broken.

Our society (culture) has a way of programming us.  Commercials on TV, billboards we drive by, signs, advertising…it’s everywhere.  Through this blast bombardment of images and ideas, shapes our sense of what is important.  Unfortunately this is not always for the betterment of us as people.

We do need to be aware of this.  A large part of the way you think, act and what you believe is a direct result of your constant environment.  So do a check up on yourself.  Up until this point, has your environment been conducive to attracting the kind of person you have written down on your list?

Next, you need to understand that if you have not dealt with any hurts, heartaches, disappointments, bitterness or anger from a past relationship, you are not ready for Mr. or Ms. Right.  I know this may sound harsh and unpopular, but consider a few things.

Any and all hurts of the past that have not been completely extinguished (dealt with properly) you are carrying around with you.  This means that if the right person did come along, you then will be sharing those hurts with them.  Yes, you may bring love, joy and excitement into the relationship but you are also bringing unnecessary baggage and some of it, will probably be destructive to your new someone.

Whatever is impressed upon you must be expressed.  This means, what has happened to you, what you have experienced, felt and lived, must be shown through you.  It will come out through your actions, words, frustration, temperament; it’s all expressed from within.  More times then not, you will be completely unaware you’re even doing it.

Don’t down play this it is a powerful piece of the equation.  Just because you can’t see it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s not at work.  Often, this is where counseling comes into play.  Helping you sort through those unseen things can have magic in it.

Unfortunately, some people see counseling as a negative.  Maybe their pride, ego or even stubbornness won’t allow it.  I choose to see it as a sign of strength and maturity.  Admitting you can’t do something alone and need some guidance or help is a powerful step in growing as an individual and it unlocks the doors to inner freedom.

Next week, we will continue on with unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Everything Changes

I have a family member whom I have repeatedly heard say, “I like me the way I am, there is no reason to change, I am staying this way.” Not willing to change… Huh. I beg to differ on that, everything changes regardless. In general, people do not like change. Yet everywhere around us, change is happening. The town and cities we live in are constantly changing. Our bodies grow older every minute, young kids get taller and the cars we drive wear out. So, everything around us is in a constant state of change…so does this mean we are too? Here is a thought to ponder: does money change people or does it simply magnify what is already there? Does addiction change people, or does it only show what is already within? Does love change people or…well, you get the picture. People say that change is hard, yet things change all the time, all around us. Everyday, trees grow taller and grass grows longer. Seasons change, the weather changes, our clothes wear out, our hearing weakens, our weight is up or down, and worst yet, our hair falls out and or turns grey! (I can relate to both of those.) The more I think of these, the more I realize the list of change could go on forever. From everything I can see, people don’t resist change, they resist being changed. This makes more sense. When it is our choice to change, we can even like it. Losing weight, starting a new job or career, making a new relationship or implementing new habits are all change and we embrace them. Notice how people enjoy the season of fall. They embrace it! The leaves turn beautiful colors, vegetation becomes green again and the warm nights are replaced with crisp, cool air. That is change if I ever saw it. So what is it so many people resist when it comes to change? Most emotions and feelings are based on two factors, security and fear. Our nature is to hang on to what we have while feeling comfortable having it. If we like what we have, why change it? After all, changing could mean loss and that is fearful. To a degree, refusing to change is selfish. Nature and all else around us constantly change. In fact, change is beneficial in many ways. Think about the farmer who plants a crop. He is banking on the changing weather to aid him in producing a harvest. Our society is largely dependent on seasons for travel, while our reservoirs and dams use snow runoff for the benefit of irrigation and summer activities. It’s not that we don’t like change; we just don’t want others changing us. In fact, we need change. Our lives are dependent on it. Better off to accept it and embrace it, if you haven’t already. Have a blessed Friday everyone.

When we Want it Bad Enough...

This last summer, I was teaching my youngest daughter, who is five, how to ride a bicycle. I had worked with her many times but the last time, I noticed that she became less interested and I, in return became frustrated. In midsummer, I threw away her training wheels. I wanted her to ride the bike the way it was intended to be ridden. Her neighbor friends were riding their bikes and she kept telling me she wanted to learn. So, with a little inspiration from her dad, she was usually willing to give it another try. During our last attempt, I could tell she was not giving it sincere effort. I saw my own patience growing thinner. The day I thought would be the magic day was quickly becoming just the opposite. In my frustration, I took a step back, and realized what was going on. She did not share my same desire. She wanted to ride, but not bad enough. For whatever reason, human nature demands that we truly desire something before we will give it our heartfelt effort. I don’t understand why this is, I just know it is. History has shown us this as far back as we can look. We want to make more money but we don’t. We want healthier relationships but we don’t. We want to kick unhealthy habits but we don’t. We want to exercise more but we don’t. The list is huge! Why? Because wanting is not enough, we have to hunger for it. Often we have to make or break habits in order to get what we want and it is not always easy. In fact, it can be downright daunting. This element alone is why we have to hunger for something before we will do what is needed to get it. Within a lot of us lies the want but there is an internal battle that takes place. This battle rages between what we want and what we have always known. Which one will win is largely determined by the one we feed. We must be ready and willing to take the risk to do something new to get something we have never had before. This is not always comfortable and fear can sometimes raise its ugly head. But you know what fear is, right? It is nothing more than: False, Evidence, Appearing Real. I know when my daughter reaches a point of truly wanting to ride her bike, she will. It won’t be because her dad pushed her, it will be because she was ready and willing to take the risk to get something she has never had before. Only then will she climb on the bike and ride it. Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Staying Persistant

Working with and being around as many people as I do, I am fortunate enough to hear a lot of great stories about people’s lives and their struggles. I have always enjoyed hearing listening to those “defining moments” when someone’s life could have went several different ways and quite frankly, I never seem to get tired of hearing about peoples lives.

I have heard stories about what it was like being raised by parents who made it through the great depression (and their beliefs and behaviors because of that) as well as what it is like to be married to the same person for 60 years. Years ago, I heard a story about a little Girl who had the privilege of sitting on her great, great Grandfather’s knee for the first time when she was just four years old. Only days before he passed away. Rarely do I ever hear the same story twice and always enjoy those times when I am told about a small piece of time from someone’s life. With these stories...there often seems to be a "turning point" or a "fine thread" that has held someone’s life together while they were going through or enduring an event that was in their life’s path.

Our history books are full of stories about men and women who have gone through great trials and struggles on their life’s journey. We can pick up a book and read about them almost anywhere. Yet, the common denominator with the ones who overcame and came out on top were that they all seemed to persist, no matter what happened to them or what they had to go through. Just the other night, I was watching a TV show called: "I Shouldn’t Be Alive". There were several stories of people who were faced with life and death challenges and when all the odds were against them, they still overcame and chose life, all because they took one more step and persisted. Now I am sure this is not the case for every single person, but this common thread of persistence, demands further attention.

A few examples here are the real life stories of average people who refused to give up and more importantly, they refused to give up on themselves. Time and time again we can look back and see where persistence paid huge dividends. Truth be known, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Kernel Sanders, Babe Ruth, Winston Churchill and Walt Disney, were all failures. Many, MANY times they tried and worked and pushed to only be rejected, and were met with disappointment. The one thing every one of them did, regardless of what happened to them, they persisted and continued to move forward! Back in their days, few people knew of these great men. Today though, everybody knows who they are and what they did, simply because of one common trait: persistence.

Jack Canfield, the Co-Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul approached 124 publishers before he finally found one that said yes to his book. Today, the Chicken Soup for the Soul series has reached millions of homes all over the globe and has been printed into 54 different languages. Back then, no one really knew who Jack Canfield was, but today everyone knows of his Chicken Soup for the Soul series, largely due to his persistence.

I know it is easy to become frustrated and want to quit. When I was younger, I quit several things. But as I grew up, I realized that the price for giving up too soon was very costly and, in some cases, could be life altering. If all of those men I mentioned had given up too soon, what would our world look like today? How different would we be living? Sure, other people may have stepped in and filled their roles, but because they persisted, you and I get to enjoy the fruits of their accomplishments. Overall, I think there is everything to gain by being persistent and there is everything to lose by not.

In tough and hard times, above all, persist. If you think about it, the other choice (quitting) is not really a choice at all. If you will keep pushing forward, no matter what comes your way, no matter how bad it seems, as long as you don’t quit, the only thing that can eventually happen for you is success. Thousands and thousands of men and women before us have already proven that persistence pays off. So go ahead…keep going... persist! Your reward is waiting for you!

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.