Expectations & Communication ~ Part 10

What are your expectations regarding Mr. or Ms. Right?

This is part 10 in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.

It has been said that some of the most brilliant ideas are also some of the most obvious.  I would say that communicating your expectations falls right in line with this.

Although communicating your expectations will probably not be something you do right off the bat when dating, but it will be vital if you can see yourself long-term with this person.  Because of this, sharing your beliefs and coming to a mutual understanding on certain topics is essential.

I have heard stories about couples who got married and failed to discuss financial matters, having or raising children, beliefs in God, family values and individual goals beforehand.  I can’t understand how things of such importance were overlooked, but they were.  Don’t let this be you.

Here are several things to consider: how does each of you view money?  Do you save or spend?  Do both of you like / want kids?  If so, how many?  What are your individual parenting styles?  Will God be a part of your marriage?  Where will you attend church?  Have you clearly shared your dreams, goals and aspirations with each other?  Will you live where you currently are or is re locating an option for the future?

Another area which is often not communicated is sexual expectations.  Although this can be a difficult area of discussion, it is important.  Past partners (if any) can sometimes set standards that may or may not be realistic for Mr. or Ms. Right. 

Society, certain magazines, pornography and Hollywood-like influences can also create unrealistic expectations.  Be aware of this.  The pressure to be a sexual superstar runs high in our culture.  Communicate your feelings and thoughts from the beginning.  Then there is never a void between the two of you.  If you can talk openly about sex, chances are you can talk about everything else that is important.

Your best policy is to keep the line of communication open right from the beginning with regard to what you hold sacred, what you value and what your non-negotiables are.

Make sure you are able to share your frustrations and concerns.  The art of genuinely listening is rare and should be held in high regard.  Most times people don’t want an answer, they want to be heard and understood.  Make sure your special someone is a listener.  The last thing anyone wants is to be fixed after going through a tough day at work.

Of the marriages that fail, a lack of communication is generally at the heart of the problem.  If you can master heartfelt communication early on, you will substantially increase your odds of attracting and keeping healthy love.

Next week is part 11, the final chapter in this series of Attracting Healthy Love.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 9

We all have a love style.  Do you know yours?

This is part nine in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.

The way in which you feel loved is a critical piece to making a healthy relationship last long-term.  Each one of us has a primary love style (love language) that makes us feel loved.

For example, some people feel loved by receiving gifts.  Others feel loved by simply being touched.  Sharing positive encouraging words, doing acts of service for that special person or sharing quality time, are all different styles in which we feel loved.

Each one of us has a primary and a secondary love style.  Knowing what makes us feel loved is an important piece of the puzzle when attracting healthy love into our lives. 

Just like the different personality styles, there is no right or wrong.  Your love style is the style you were born with as a child.  You felt loved then the same way you do today, only in a more intimate, mature way.

Many times, in the past when I have coached people about obtaining healthy relationships in their lives, I am reminded that many people are simply not aware they even have a love style.  To this I say: if you don’t know what actions make you feel loved, how will you be aware of what actions are necessary for your spouse to feel loved?

Love is a verb.  It is more than just saying I love you.  We show our love in our daily actions.  The majority of time, by nature, we tend to show love to our special someone the same way we like to receive love.  Although this is not necessarily bad, it is not always correct.

Our spouse needs to be loved according to their style, not just how we think they should feel love.  The person who is fueled by being touched, is not going to feel love the same way by being told positive, affirming compliments.  Both are important but in this example, physical touch will flood their heart with love far better than anything else.

Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of: The five Love Languages is an expert in this area.  If you are serious about attracting healthy love, I recommend reading his book and studying the styles.  You need to know and understand your style.  Then you will begin to understand how Mr. or Ms. Right will need to feel loved when they come into your life.

Next week we will go into part 10 in Attracting Healthy Love, Expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Your Attitude ~ Part 8

Do you have the right attitude to attract Mr. or Ms. Right? 
 This is part 8 in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.
 There is an old saying that says:  Is your attitude worth catching?    This valid question demands and answer.  Combine this with searching for the perfect person and we create an interesting dynamic within ourselves.
 Many years ago, prior to dating my wife, I sometimes browsed the personal ads in newspapers.  (this was before the on line dating scene)  While viewing them, several common denominators became clear to me about the people looking for that special someone.  In large, most seemed to be looking for what they could get, not what they could give. 
 Creating and building a healthy loving relationship is an attitude.  It is a mindset that expresses our core beliefs about the way we think a relationship should be.  As I said earlier in this series, if the results you have received up to this point have not yielded you the results you are looking for, then something needs to change.
 That change, more than likely, is your attitude.  Very few people want to be around someone who has a poor attitude.  It's draining and repelling.  I have met people who some would call successful but have a crappy attitude.  The result is, people don't want to be around them.  On the other side of the coin, I have met people who have little but their attitude shines like the sun and they attract multitudes of friends.
 Carrying a positive, supportive attitude around with you each day is essential if you are going to attract the right kind of person into your life.  You cannot have a poor attitude and expect that special person to show up in your life and bring you a positive one.  To think this way is naive.
 Take an honest look at yourself.  Is your attitude worth catching?  Ask your employer.  They will tell you the truth.  Better yet, look at your last performance review.  This could be a good way for you to see how others view your attitude.  The attitude you carry at your work, should be the same attitude you carry in your personal life.  If it's not, you may want to ask yourself why this is. 
 Having a good attitude does not mean everything is perfect either.  It means you are choosing to look past the struggles and challenges of the present and not let it bring you down.  Yes, attitude is a choice and it will make all the difference in the world when it comes to you attracting the kind of spouse you desire.
 So, if Mr. or Ms. Right presented themselves today, can you say your attitude would be one they would want to be around? 
 Next week is part 9 in the series of Attracting Healthy Love.
 Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed. 

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 7

Remember the list I asked you to make several weeks ago?  Did you do it?  This week, we are going to touch base on your list and what it means to you.  

If you do not have a list made or are unsure of what I am referring to, feel free to go back to the first and second weeks of this series.
 
This is week seven in the series: Attracting Healthy Love.
 
There is power in a written list.  People who are goal setters are well aware of this.  Writing heartfelt things and reviewing them often, tends to have magic in it.  That magic is more of an attraction.
 
Your list should include things that are important to you in finding your special someone.  As a reminder, there should not be anything on the list which includes the words: I do not want or I do not like...  If you have this on your list, remove it immediately.  

As a general rule, 20 things might be too much and 10 might not be enough.  Feel free to be specific, as it is not the same as being picky.  This is your life we are talking about, your lifelong spouse, friend and companion

Too often people sell themselves short in finding what they really want.   They are too afraid they will never find the right someone, so they settle for second or third best.  When they do this, we know how the story turns out.  For a period of time they deal with it.  Then they become frustrated, and finally, they find themselves miserable.

As we grow in maturity and responsibility, so do our needs and desires.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Just make sure your list is as accurate to your true inner self as possible.
 
A few things to remember: In the bigger picture, our bodies, desires and interests can and do change.  That is life.  When I was 21, I had most of the hair I was born with.  By the age of 28, I had very little.  Now, what is left is turning grey!  Oh how lucky I am.

Keep the main things the main things and let go of the insignificants.  If you’re hung up on an exact height and weight and refuse to deviate, you may need a checkup from the neck up.
 

Read your list, out loud, several times a week, even daily if possible.  You need to hear yourself say out loud what you want in a spouse.  Then continue to work on yourself.  Deal with the past and get through the hurts.  You can never be too good for Mr. or Ms. Right.

Next week, we will look at part 8 on Attracting Healthy Love.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed!


 

Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 6

So far, we have uncovered a handful of destructive and unhealthy ideals with regard to attracting healthy love.  This week we are going to go over that "C" word.   You know... commitment.
 If you were to ask any couple who has been married for an extensive period of time, the one word you will hear over and over again is commitment.  That is, a commitment to and for each other.  But what does that really mean?
 When we make a commitment to someone, we are making a statement which speaks volumes.  A heartfelt commitment (which should be the only kind of commitment) means that come hell or high water, good or bad, better or worse, you are in this for the long haul.  Commitments should not be made because of emotions.  It is ok to have them, but using them as your sole guide could very easily put you in a situation you never intended to be, wondering: "How did this happen?"
 Although I have said this before, I am going to say it again: It is never a good idea to make long-term choices based on short-term feelings.  Most of the time those waves of emotions, in a new relationship, will blow like the wind in the first year.  Commitment is first an internal choice that is expressed outwardly, not the other way around.
 Commitment is more than just sticking it out in tough times.  It is also about helping the other person when they need it.  Making adjustments in our attitude and behavior is a way of following through on a commitment.  Commitments can be viewed as working together through problems rather than letting your spouse deal with their stuff while you wait patiently on the sidelines.  It doesn't mean everything is always going to be great.  It doesn't mean everything will be perfect.  It means you agree to work together in order for the relationship to grow.
 Commitment is not a one-way street, it has two lanes.  Both parties need to have equal levels of commitment for a relationship to be healthy.  25% commitment from one person and 75% from the other simply cannot last long-term.  How will you know a person’s level of commitment?  There are two answers.
 By becoming a person who can make a heartfelt commitment, you will attract someone like you.  To do this, it is you who must become that person.  To try and find someone who can commit, all the while knowing on the inside you cannot, is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.  It's absurd and unrealistic.
 The second part in realizing true commitment, is watching what people do, not what they say.  Words are easy to say and unfortunately, are too often shallow.  Watch to see if people's actions line up with their words.  This is a good way to tell if someone is truly heartfelt about their commitments. 
 Combine these two ideas and you have stacked the deck in your favor for having a healthy, committed relationship.
 Next week, we will be touching base on the bigger picture and your detailed list.
 Have a great week everyone, be blessed.