This is part 4 of 7 on a series titled: Healthy Relationships. This week I am covering the subject of guilt. If needed, feel free to go back to my prior weeks and refresh on this topic. This is all about the tools and awareness you need to have a better and healthier relationship with those around you.
How many times have you been talking with someone and because of what that person said to you, you began to feel bad or even a little small? Maybe you started to second guess your actions or your own motives. Then, the more this person talked to you, the more you sensed one or several of these feelings. During the moment when it happens, you’re not really sure what is going on. You can’t quite understand it but shortly after you leave them, you notice that you’re feeling much worse than when you first engaged in conversation with them. Why is this… and more importantly, what is this?
Growing up in a home with an unhealthy father, I experienced and lived through many dysfunctions, guilt being one of them. If my dad wanted me to do something for him and he knew I didn’t want to, he would guilt me into doing it. He would say things that would make me feel bad about me or what I had done or what I was going to do, so that I would have a chance to “make up” for my actions only to please his wishes. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Laying guilt on someone, ultimately, is nothing more than someone trying to overpower you so that you will do what they want you to. It’s control. It is a means of overpowering you, all for their benefit, not yours and it is very unhealthy.
I grew up around this constant behavior. When I was younger, this was normal to me. I had no clue how destructive it was because it was all that I knew. I thought having a dad who made me feel guilty was the way it was supposed to be…that is, until I reached my teen years. Then I could see that this was not normal, it was outright manipulative. In a way, he was using me, playing on my emotions to get what he wanted. It wasn’t until years later did I realize that for many years, I was being toyed with like a puppet on a string.
I would call guilt a dysfunction under the umbrella of manipulation. Using guilt on someone is just one of the many ways we can manipulate another person. We manipulate them to do, say, or even be what we want. Think back for a moment in your own past. When is the last time you had someone try to make you feel less worthy? Who was this person and what was the surrounding? Did you allow them to make you feel worse or were you able to catch on to what they were doing? Take a little time this weekend and think back to those people who try to use guilt on you. Are they family, co-workers or friends? Even kids can use guilt to get what they want. Granted, they have to learn this from somewhere, it doesn’t just show up out of the blue. If kids are using guilt it is because they have learned it. It should be stopped and called destructive behavior. I even had a boss many years ago that would try to use guilt on me so that I would take care of his responsibilities which he did not want to do. Yes, guilt is everywhere, all around us.
I want to encourage you, the next time someone tries to guilt you into doing anything, don’t do it, and don’t fall for it. Take a step back and recognize it for what it is: A power play of manipulation. Then, call them on it. Tell them out loud: “it sounds like you are trying to guilt me into something…is that right?” You may just be surprised at how they react to you after you call them on it. By doing this, they will know that you no longer accept their behavior, nor will you allow them to use you like a pawn for their benefit.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Week 3 of 7 Healthy Relationships...Belittling
Last week, we covered the subject of anger and how it affects us and what it can do to us. If you missed this subject, feel free to either go back, or visit my blog and do an overview on this as it was part 2 of 7 on the subject of living within healthy relationships. This week we are going to go over the subject of belittling, what it is and how it affects others when we do this.
Not so long ago, my eldest daughter asked me what belittling meant. It should have been no surprise I guess, she is at that age where she is asking more and more questions when it comes to complex situations, so I took a moment to share with her what I felt the term meant. In short, I told her that belittling someone is a lot like making fun of someone or even putting them down. I could tell she was internalizing my answer and to an 8 year old, this was a good enough answer. But after she walked away, that voice inside me spoke up and reminded me that there is so much more to belittling.
Belittling is done in several ways. Our words and what we say are just a part of the bigger picture. Often times the tone of our voice in what we say plays a bigger part. I have heard husbands make little comments to their wives that were borderline humorous but the tone in their voice was very destructive. Volume and body language also make a difference in the way we say things. Combine all of these together in just the right combination and the end result is that what we say, no matter how harmless we are intending to be, can be quite destructive and belittling.
Years ago, my wife and I spent some time with a married couple who became good friends of ours. It did not take long for me to realize that the way in which he would speak to her (his wife) was very belittling. In fact, it became so obvious that it soon became awkward to be around them when they were together. His tone, his body language, the volume in which he spoke…all of it was a bit much for myself and my wife. Months later, we had to limit the amount of time we spent with them, simply because of the awkwardness in the room when he spoke to her. Then, over a year later, he asked me why my wife and I did not come around much anymore. So, with gentleness and caution, I shared with him what I was observing time and time again, and to my surprise, he did not even know he was doing it.
I know that both men and women can be belittling, I have seen it both ways. The unfortunate part here is how it makes the other person feel. I am not talking about friendly little jabs or giving someone a bad time, I am talking about repetitive destructive behavior. Even to our kids we need to be aware of what we are saying to them and the manner in which we are doing so. To a degree, when we compare our kids against one another saying things like: “why aren’t you more like your sister or why aren’t you more like your brother” is a form of belittling. It is all in how we say it. A soft and light approach is probably not that hurtful but saying those same words directly to our child in the context of anger and frustration is very hurtful.
The main thing we need to keep in mind is the way in which we are talking to those around us, especially the ones we care the most about. The scriptures say that life and death are in the tongue. Meaning, the words we say either lift people up or they pull people down. I also know that people will also talk down to or belittle others because they think this elevates them somehow. Ironically though, nothing could be further from the truth. Anyone who needs to put someone else down to feel better about themselves probably has other deep rooted issues. One of my favorite quotes that I adopted as my own last year says: blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine any brighter.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
Not so long ago, my eldest daughter asked me what belittling meant. It should have been no surprise I guess, she is at that age where she is asking more and more questions when it comes to complex situations, so I took a moment to share with her what I felt the term meant. In short, I told her that belittling someone is a lot like making fun of someone or even putting them down. I could tell she was internalizing my answer and to an 8 year old, this was a good enough answer. But after she walked away, that voice inside me spoke up and reminded me that there is so much more to belittling.
Belittling is done in several ways. Our words and what we say are just a part of the bigger picture. Often times the tone of our voice in what we say plays a bigger part. I have heard husbands make little comments to their wives that were borderline humorous but the tone in their voice was very destructive. Volume and body language also make a difference in the way we say things. Combine all of these together in just the right combination and the end result is that what we say, no matter how harmless we are intending to be, can be quite destructive and belittling.
Years ago, my wife and I spent some time with a married couple who became good friends of ours. It did not take long for me to realize that the way in which he would speak to her (his wife) was very belittling. In fact, it became so obvious that it soon became awkward to be around them when they were together. His tone, his body language, the volume in which he spoke…all of it was a bit much for myself and my wife. Months later, we had to limit the amount of time we spent with them, simply because of the awkwardness in the room when he spoke to her. Then, over a year later, he asked me why my wife and I did not come around much anymore. So, with gentleness and caution, I shared with him what I was observing time and time again, and to my surprise, he did not even know he was doing it.
I know that both men and women can be belittling, I have seen it both ways. The unfortunate part here is how it makes the other person feel. I am not talking about friendly little jabs or giving someone a bad time, I am talking about repetitive destructive behavior. Even to our kids we need to be aware of what we are saying to them and the manner in which we are doing so. To a degree, when we compare our kids against one another saying things like: “why aren’t you more like your sister or why aren’t you more like your brother” is a form of belittling. It is all in how we say it. A soft and light approach is probably not that hurtful but saying those same words directly to our child in the context of anger and frustration is very hurtful.
The main thing we need to keep in mind is the way in which we are talking to those around us, especially the ones we care the most about. The scriptures say that life and death are in the tongue. Meaning, the words we say either lift people up or they pull people down. I also know that people will also talk down to or belittle others because they think this elevates them somehow. Ironically though, nothing could be further from the truth. Anyone who needs to put someone else down to feel better about themselves probably has other deep rooted issues. One of my favorite quotes that I adopted as my own last year says: blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine any brighter.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Week 2 of 7 - Healthy Relationships
Last week, in my 7-part series, I covered some of the basics around bitterness and resentment. This week we are going to do an overview of anger so if you missed last week’s message, feel free to go back and review before going on to this week’s message. It may help you make the most of the information as a whole.
Growing up with a father who had a lot of anger bottled up inside him was not always easy. Because of his short fuse and throwing fits, often times I feared the man. Not the healthiest viewpoint to have of your own dad! I knew he loved me, or at least I felt that he did, but love and anger are quite different. At times people try to put these two in opposing courts or call them “opposites” but I disagree with that statement. It is very real to love somebody but be very angry with them. In fact, to take this one step further, being angry too much of the time, regardless if you love someone or not, can be destructive.
To a large degree, anger comes from nothing more than when we are faced with a blocked goal or agenda. Whether it is with our kids, our co-workers or family, our human nature wants us to get our own way. Kids are a shining example of this. As parents, we have to teach them compromise, sharing, and what it is to give a little. We are born with our selfish nature of getting what we want, and when we don’t, we can become angry. What’s interesting is that younger kids and some adults can become angry when they don’t get their way, yet there can be 30, 40 and even 50 years difference in age. This alone tells us something: age does not always play a part in maturity when it comes to anger.
I have read and heard it said before that anger is more of a symptom of something deeper than it is anything else. You and I see the anger through other people because it is the reaction of the actual problem. Much like when we have a headache, the headache itself is not the problem. This is your body’s way of telling us that something is wrong. But just like the headache, way too often we want to treat the headache and not the real problem. Unfortunately, our society and culture have adopted this idea as normal. We don’t want to fix the real problem, we only want to fix the symptom. Not an ideal plan for long-term health.
Anger also comes from holding things in and not expressing them or dealing with them. Past hurts, disappointments, or evil doings that had an adverse affect on us. Even emotions that we hold deep inside rather than let go and sort through can plant the seeds of anger inside us. Yes, it comes from many different places and if it is left untouched and not dealt with, the collateral damage this can cause usually will be very destructive. Not just for the person who harbors it, but those around them as well.
To a degree, our culture, our way of life has impressed upon many people that normal emotions and feelings should be suppressed rather than dealt with. Maybe this mindset comes from the previous generation, maybe to some it is a sign of weakness. After all, crying and letting out what’s on the inside is still not widely accepted. So we bury it deep down inside ourselves hoping it will go away. When in fact, it does not go away but rather it manifests itself and grows, usually coming out as anger some point down the road. I have read that many times, it is years and years of bottling up past hurts which later in life cause anger and even health issues.
Admitting you have an anger issue is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of strength, even a sign of intelligence. When we ask for help, or seek for further understanding, we are admitting the level of understanding we currently have is no longer sufficient. Anger is a symptom of something deeper. If you can see this and recognize it for what it is, then you have started down the path to healing, while increasing your own awareness of who you truly are.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
Growing up with a father who had a lot of anger bottled up inside him was not always easy. Because of his short fuse and throwing fits, often times I feared the man. Not the healthiest viewpoint to have of your own dad! I knew he loved me, or at least I felt that he did, but love and anger are quite different. At times people try to put these two in opposing courts or call them “opposites” but I disagree with that statement. It is very real to love somebody but be very angry with them. In fact, to take this one step further, being angry too much of the time, regardless if you love someone or not, can be destructive.
To a large degree, anger comes from nothing more than when we are faced with a blocked goal or agenda. Whether it is with our kids, our co-workers or family, our human nature wants us to get our own way. Kids are a shining example of this. As parents, we have to teach them compromise, sharing, and what it is to give a little. We are born with our selfish nature of getting what we want, and when we don’t, we can become angry. What’s interesting is that younger kids and some adults can become angry when they don’t get their way, yet there can be 30, 40 and even 50 years difference in age. This alone tells us something: age does not always play a part in maturity when it comes to anger.
I have read and heard it said before that anger is more of a symptom of something deeper than it is anything else. You and I see the anger through other people because it is the reaction of the actual problem. Much like when we have a headache, the headache itself is not the problem. This is your body’s way of telling us that something is wrong. But just like the headache, way too often we want to treat the headache and not the real problem. Unfortunately, our society and culture have adopted this idea as normal. We don’t want to fix the real problem, we only want to fix the symptom. Not an ideal plan for long-term health.
Anger also comes from holding things in and not expressing them or dealing with them. Past hurts, disappointments, or evil doings that had an adverse affect on us. Even emotions that we hold deep inside rather than let go and sort through can plant the seeds of anger inside us. Yes, it comes from many different places and if it is left untouched and not dealt with, the collateral damage this can cause usually will be very destructive. Not just for the person who harbors it, but those around them as well.
To a degree, our culture, our way of life has impressed upon many people that normal emotions and feelings should be suppressed rather than dealt with. Maybe this mindset comes from the previous generation, maybe to some it is a sign of weakness. After all, crying and letting out what’s on the inside is still not widely accepted. So we bury it deep down inside ourselves hoping it will go away. When in fact, it does not go away but rather it manifests itself and grows, usually coming out as anger some point down the road. I have read that many times, it is years and years of bottling up past hurts which later in life cause anger and even health issues.
Admitting you have an anger issue is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of strength, even a sign of intelligence. When we ask for help, or seek for further understanding, we are admitting the level of understanding we currently have is no longer sufficient. Anger is a symptom of something deeper. If you can see this and recognize it for what it is, then you have started down the path to healing, while increasing your own awareness of who you truly are.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Week 1 of 7 - Healthy Relationships
This is the 1st week of my 7 part series on unhealthy relationships. This week, I am covering the topics of bitterness and resentment and how they affect us. I would encourage you to keep this series and reflect back on it as needed. While this message may not give you the answers you seek today, reflecting back a few months from now may give you the answers you are seeking to find.
Bitterness and resentment often times share a lot of the same characteristics and is not hard to see. When we witness someone acting out verbally toward another person who has hurt them, it’s obvious isn’t it? You have a conversation with one of your best friends and you are listening to them carry on about how their ex-spouse has hurt them or made them feel, months, even sometimes years after the hurtful event has taken place. As you listen to the tone in their voice, you can tell, can’t you? Their voice gets a little louder and their body language changes. They hold some form of bitterness and/or resentment toward there ex-spouse. All too often, it cannot be ignored.
I am not talking about just a hurtful memory here, I am talking about a feeling and an emotion that is pulled up from memory and creates anger within. This is holding onto bitterness and resentment in its finest form. Another way to explain it, that I have often heard, is: “skeletons in the closet”. Either way, there is some unfinished business that should and needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately, too many times people either do not see they hold the resentment or they just do not want to get over it. It’s almost as if they think that carrying around the bitterness will somehow get back at that person who scorned them. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When we hold resentment and bitterness in, it does NOTHING to the other person. To think otherwise is absurd. The only person it is affecting is us. It affects our health, our attitude, it steals our joy and peace. Plus, it has a tendency to consume our thoughts. It is as if our brain is trying to make us believe that if we hold onto the bitterness long enough, the other person who hurt us will get sick. Ironically enough, it is us who hold the negative thoughts that will get sick. You could say that this is karma at its finest.
Dealing with hurtful, past events is essential if we are ever going to be able to move on emotionally and mentally. I know for me, years ago, there was a time when I would think about how much hurt my dad caused my entire family. I would find myself becoming tense, angry, mad and just wanted so badly for him to pay for all the damage he had caused. What I didn’t see was I was carrying with me the seeds of destruction! Later, I came to realize this (with some help) and it moved me to let go of the bitterness and deal with it. Was it easy? Absolutely not! Did it involve facing something I didn’t want to? Yes it did, but I had to do it. I had had so much hurt, sadness and destruction in my life that I desperately wanted to find peace and happiness. My guess is most everyone is like that. They have to reach a point where they are ready for a change before they will make a change.
Bitterness and resentment should be signs that tell us we have unresolved hurts from the past to deal with. Most of the time, when we do not deal with these, they will grow and could get out of control. Don’t let this be you! If you sense that you are harboring bitterness and/or resentment, admitting it is always the first step. Acknowledging the issue at hand is also 40% of the battle in fixing it.
Removing these destructive feelings / emotions from your life will assist you in reaching a new life. It will not be easy. I know because I was there, but I also know how rewarding it is to be released from the bondage it can hold over us.
Next week, we will be touching base on anger, so until then, have a great weekend everyone and be blessed.
Bitterness and resentment often times share a lot of the same characteristics and is not hard to see. When we witness someone acting out verbally toward another person who has hurt them, it’s obvious isn’t it? You have a conversation with one of your best friends and you are listening to them carry on about how their ex-spouse has hurt them or made them feel, months, even sometimes years after the hurtful event has taken place. As you listen to the tone in their voice, you can tell, can’t you? Their voice gets a little louder and their body language changes. They hold some form of bitterness and/or resentment toward there ex-spouse. All too often, it cannot be ignored.
I am not talking about just a hurtful memory here, I am talking about a feeling and an emotion that is pulled up from memory and creates anger within. This is holding onto bitterness and resentment in its finest form. Another way to explain it, that I have often heard, is: “skeletons in the closet”. Either way, there is some unfinished business that should and needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately, too many times people either do not see they hold the resentment or they just do not want to get over it. It’s almost as if they think that carrying around the bitterness will somehow get back at that person who scorned them. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When we hold resentment and bitterness in, it does NOTHING to the other person. To think otherwise is absurd. The only person it is affecting is us. It affects our health, our attitude, it steals our joy and peace. Plus, it has a tendency to consume our thoughts. It is as if our brain is trying to make us believe that if we hold onto the bitterness long enough, the other person who hurt us will get sick. Ironically enough, it is us who hold the negative thoughts that will get sick. You could say that this is karma at its finest.
Dealing with hurtful, past events is essential if we are ever going to be able to move on emotionally and mentally. I know for me, years ago, there was a time when I would think about how much hurt my dad caused my entire family. I would find myself becoming tense, angry, mad and just wanted so badly for him to pay for all the damage he had caused. What I didn’t see was I was carrying with me the seeds of destruction! Later, I came to realize this (with some help) and it moved me to let go of the bitterness and deal with it. Was it easy? Absolutely not! Did it involve facing something I didn’t want to? Yes it did, but I had to do it. I had had so much hurt, sadness and destruction in my life that I desperately wanted to find peace and happiness. My guess is most everyone is like that. They have to reach a point where they are ready for a change before they will make a change.
Bitterness and resentment should be signs that tell us we have unresolved hurts from the past to deal with. Most of the time, when we do not deal with these, they will grow and could get out of control. Don’t let this be you! If you sense that you are harboring bitterness and/or resentment, admitting it is always the first step. Acknowledging the issue at hand is also 40% of the battle in fixing it.
Removing these destructive feelings / emotions from your life will assist you in reaching a new life. It will not be easy. I know because I was there, but I also know how rewarding it is to be released from the bondage it can hold over us.
Next week, we will be touching base on anger, so until then, have a great weekend everyone and be blessed.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday's Thoughts
This is the first week of a seven part series where I will be covering healthy relationships. The purpose of this series is to shed some light on some destructive behaviors that are all too often found in relationships. My goal and target of writing about this is simple: to bring some awareness to those finding themselves in destructive relationships and what they can do about it.
The views, ideas and things I will be sharing with you, I do so from my own place of growing up in a dysfunctional family that had its own share of destructive elements. I do not have a degree in psychology; human relations or human behavior. I am simply one person who has lived and experienced what it is like to grow up in a house filled with anger, bitterness, resentment, manipulation, guilt and constant enabling.
In addition to all of that, believe it or not, there was also a lot of love shown which made my whole world growing up very complex because I was constantly receiving mixed signals. So no, I am not a shrink nor am I a counselor. What I have done is lived and grown through these seven areas of unhealthiness in relationships. Yes, I chose to heal and grow through all of these and by doing so, I have become a better person. Because of this, I am always happy to share with others the mechanics of those self destroying behaviors and shed any light on the subject that I can.
My hope for you is that after reading and following this series, you will never look and view your relationships in the same way again. Upon completion of this, my prayer is that you will take the necessary steps to choose and strive towards having healthier relationships with not only those you love, but those all around you. In my own life, many years ago, I made that choice and what I can tell you is by doing so I have brought an unimaginable amount of freedom and peace into my life. I made the changes (and no, they were not easy) and never looked back, leaving those who were constantly pulling me down, behind me to continue to dwell in their own destructive behavior. Again, this was not easy and yes, it was even uncomfortable.
I share all of this personal information about me, with you, to say this: This series will be more about you, than the person sitting next to you. It is about being responsible to the one person who needs responsibility more than anyone else and that is: you. Be responsible for you and your decisions. Not your spouse, not your parents and not even your grown kids. One of the hardest things to understand is that when people are finally ready to hear a message and are finally ready to make a change in their life, they will… but not before then. Not when you are ready, not when you think they are ready, but when they are ready and not a moment sooner.
So what can you do with all of this? Take this information in and let it manifest itself within you. Refer back to it from time to time. Read it over and over and let it become a part of your beliefs onto how you look at people. There will be parts of this series where I am going to bring up thoughts and feelings that may touch a nerve and may make a few people uncomfortable. I do not apologize for what I am going to share with you because it comes from my own perspective and my own experiences. I have no guilt trips to cast upon anyone. If you don’t like what I bring to the surface, then I want to encourage you to ask yourself why. Not for me, but for you.
Next week, we will start off by taking a look at bitterness and resentment and what they do to us and how they affect us.
Until then, have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
The views, ideas and things I will be sharing with you, I do so from my own place of growing up in a dysfunctional family that had its own share of destructive elements. I do not have a degree in psychology; human relations or human behavior. I am simply one person who has lived and experienced what it is like to grow up in a house filled with anger, bitterness, resentment, manipulation, guilt and constant enabling.
In addition to all of that, believe it or not, there was also a lot of love shown which made my whole world growing up very complex because I was constantly receiving mixed signals. So no, I am not a shrink nor am I a counselor. What I have done is lived and grown through these seven areas of unhealthiness in relationships. Yes, I chose to heal and grow through all of these and by doing so, I have become a better person. Because of this, I am always happy to share with others the mechanics of those self destroying behaviors and shed any light on the subject that I can.
My hope for you is that after reading and following this series, you will never look and view your relationships in the same way again. Upon completion of this, my prayer is that you will take the necessary steps to choose and strive towards having healthier relationships with not only those you love, but those all around you. In my own life, many years ago, I made that choice and what I can tell you is by doing so I have brought an unimaginable amount of freedom and peace into my life. I made the changes (and no, they were not easy) and never looked back, leaving those who were constantly pulling me down, behind me to continue to dwell in their own destructive behavior. Again, this was not easy and yes, it was even uncomfortable.
I share all of this personal information about me, with you, to say this: This series will be more about you, than the person sitting next to you. It is about being responsible to the one person who needs responsibility more than anyone else and that is: you. Be responsible for you and your decisions. Not your spouse, not your parents and not even your grown kids. One of the hardest things to understand is that when people are finally ready to hear a message and are finally ready to make a change in their life, they will… but not before then. Not when you are ready, not when you think they are ready, but when they are ready and not a moment sooner.
So what can you do with all of this? Take this information in and let it manifest itself within you. Refer back to it from time to time. Read it over and over and let it become a part of your beliefs onto how you look at people. There will be parts of this series where I am going to bring up thoughts and feelings that may touch a nerve and may make a few people uncomfortable. I do not apologize for what I am going to share with you because it comes from my own perspective and my own experiences. I have no guilt trips to cast upon anyone. If you don’t like what I bring to the surface, then I want to encourage you to ask yourself why. Not for me, but for you.
Next week, we will start off by taking a look at bitterness and resentment and what they do to us and how they affect us.
Until then, have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
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