Every Relationship is Built on Something

Probably my deepest passion of life lies within having and obtaining healthy relationships.  Simply because I believe that relationships can catapult us forward or sink us lower.  Help us grow, or hold us back.  They can lift us up or keep us down and they can bring a tremendous amount of joy and happiness or, bring us a ton of pain, sorrow and misery.  Yes, relationships are an essential key to life.  No matter where you go or what you do, you are going to deal with relationships all your life.  Family, friends, neighbors, marriages…even if you want to be alone and away form others, you are still going to have to deal with your self.  Yes, we even have relationships with our selves.

Relationships though are not always easy and often times can be very complex.  Maybe that is why they can be so rewarding is because they are so difficult.  Seems like most everything in life that is a struggle also comes with a reward.  But none the less, every relationship is unique in its own way.  It will have strengths and weaknesses, plus’s and minus’s.  There depth and strength will usually be tested in some way or another and what is even more peculiar to me is that every relationship we will ever have is founded or based on something mutually beneficial.

Think about it for a moment.  Every relationship you have ever had the ones you have right now and the ones you are seeking to have will have a common denominator, a common interest(s) that both people agree upon.  It does not matter what that interest is, it only matters that it is there. Then, that interest becomes the very foundation of which that relationship is built upon.  Sometimes, the foundation is about companionship, other’s are about common activities or hobbies.  Some are of money or task driven, do this for me and I will pay you this much money.  Yes, we even have a relationship with our employer.  Love them or hate them, it is true.  But 2 key elements here are that they are always mutually beneficial and that they have a foundation.  Without these two things, any relationship you have will be strained and or will cease to exist.

Think back to a friend you use to spend a lot of time with.  Someone that brought a lot of joy to you, someone that made you laugh and made you fell better about yourself when you were around them.  Do you know why you are not around them anymore?  Have you ever thought about what happened to that relationship you use to have with them?  What happened to it?  Chances are that one or both of those core things needed I just mentioned were removed or replaced with something else, somewhere along the way.  I have had some very memorable times with friends in the past and yet today, we do not even see each other and hardly ever talk.  Not because either one of us are mad at the other, simply because one of those 2 key elements were removed and the relationship died.

Think about the next relationship you make.  What will it be founded on?  What will be the mutually rewarding factor that becomes the glue that holds it all together?  Up until this point, were you even aware that there was glue to every relationship?  Do you understand that at any time, without notice, the other party involved can remove that glue that holds your relationship together?  Yes, that is right, a change can come at any moment, with or without your consent and then where will that leave you?  Be aware that this is real.  Things change, people change and whether or not you like it, your relationships will change.

If you want solid, strong, healthy relationships in your life then be aware that the foundation upon which you build them must be just that: solid, strong and healthy because attitudes, likes and dislikes will probably come and go.  Maybe not tomorrow or even next year, but trust me, things will change and if the relationships is not built upon a permanent foundation, chances are, it will falter.

Have a great weekend everyone and be blessed.

What is Reality

How many times have you heard someone say: that’s not reality?  Recently, in a handful of my conversations, I have heard people all around me coin this phrase and after about the 4^th time I heard it, I felt the need to give this some deeper thought and an in depth view.

What is reality? Is reality the world around us?  Is it our life as we know it?  Maybe it is considered as what is real.  I have heard it said that the term reality is a basis for which is truth or factual to each of us.  Factual or truth, this leads me to only one conclusion and that is our reality is really based on one thing: belief.  What we believe to be true is our reality.  Our own beliefs, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, determine what we think reality is for ourselves.  This does not mean that universal laws can be broken simply because we believe we can out smart them or work against them and win.  You and I will always be controlled, to some extent, over universal laws as they work 100% of the time, everyday, every month and every year.

What about what we believe to be true for us and our life?  These kinds of beliefs we have total control over.  How we see ourselves, our self confidence, what we expect and how we see our self worth all play a part in our beliefs.  All of these things, controlled by our beliefs, equal our reality.  Not mine, not your neighbors, not your spouses or your parents, but yours.  You see, we operate, do and say things all based on our beliefs.  Every day and each day, our beliefs control a large portion of what it is we do.

Years ago, I had a mentor whose income was always well over $100,000 a year.  It didn’t matter what he did or where we worked, his income consistently grew at whatever it was he did.  Yes, he had some gifts, talents and strengths that helped him make this kind of income, but more than anything, he just believed that this is what he was worth and what he needed (deserved) to provide for his family.  He didn’t make a big deal of it in fact he was actually quite humble about it.  He just had a mindset that was different from most people I have ever been around.  Even today, even though he is doing something totally different than he was back then when I was around him, his income still continues to grow.  Why? Because that is his reality.

Have you ever though to yourself: I could never make $150,000.00 a year?  If you have, it is all because of one thing:  You don’t believe you’re worth it.  My mentor believed he was worth it and therefore, he expected it.  It is your reality that has gotten you to where you are right now.  It’s not your circumstances, the color of your skin, the size of your bank account or where you live.  It is all about what you believe and how you see your reality. 

If you lack in self confidence, your reality may tend to be smaller and look different than someone else’s.  Confident people tend to think bigger, dream bigger and believe bigger - that is their reality.  Combine high self confidence with determination and the love of their career and you will probably find someone who consistently does better in his or her field than others.  Again, that is their reality.  It’s not because of sheer luck or even a once in a life time chance that has come their way.  It’s because of what they believe. 

Have you ever thought about what your reality is?  Have you ever questioned if your reality is too small or even if it is a healthy one?  You can control your reality.  Not by waving a magic wand, not by positive thinking or being an optimistic person, but by changing what you believe. No, changing is not easy, I know this first hand.  But I do know that when you have a reason, a big reason… to change your reality, you will and when you do, you will wonder why it took you so long to do so.

Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Fathers day to all the Fathers out there, be blessed.

This Old Dog

A long time ago, there was a gas station owner in a small rural town in the Pacific Northwest.  The owner worked at his station every day and each day he took his hound dog with him.  Being older, the dog was rarely active and usually laid around spending his days sleeping.  The owner of the station would frequently have friends stop by to visit him, just to say hello.  One of those friends dropped in more frequently than the others, probably twice a week.  But this friend began to notice almost every time he was there, he would see the old dog laying off in a corner.  More times than not, he would lift his head up and give a little howl and moan.  This went on for weeks.  Every time he would drop in to see his friend, there was the dog in the same spot, and sure enough, a few times during his visit the dog would raise his head and give a little howl and moan.

One day, curiosity got the better of the guy so he made it a point to ask his friend, “Every time I am here your dog keeps moaning, and howling.  I don’t get it.  Why does he do that?”  The owner replied, “He keeps laying on a pile of nuts and bolts.”  “Nuts and bolts?” he said, “Why doesn’t he just get up and move?”  To which the owner replied, “Well, he likes that corner of the shop, it is his corner.”  “But I don’t understand, if it hurts him to be laying on those nuts and bolts, why doesn’t he just get up and move to where it is more comfortable?”  The owner then said, “I am sure it hurts him…I guess it just doesn’t hurt bad enough.”

Ironically, you and I can be a lot like that old dog.  We don’t want to make changes in our life until it really starts to hurt on a deeper level.  A little bit of pain is simply not enough to make us want to do something different.  It does not matter if it is losing weight, changing careers, changing our habits or changing the style of clothes we wear.  Humans are creatures of habit, we like doing the same thing over and over again.  It usually takes something pretty substantial to make us break the cycle.  Years ago, I read in a book that: when the pain to stay the same, becomes greater than the pain to change, you will finally make the change.  If this is true, then this tells us that we have to reach a point in life where we become miserable with our present situation before we are willing to do anything about it.

As a leader, I have always tried to challenge people to step up, do what needs to be done.  If I hear of someone complaining or venting, I will usually ask them questions as to how they would make it different, or how it could be better.  I like to get people thinking and focusing more on solutions and less about problems.  Everywhere we look, we can always find someone who complains about this, that, or the other.  They are everywhere aren’t they?  Yet very few people seem to want to actually put forth solutions to those problems.  Like the old dog, I guess maybe it is just easier to stay in the same spot and complain about it.

Our society is starving for people to not just have answers, but take action on those answers.  The waiting line is always full of people who only want to complain… but the waiting line for the person who wants to take action and become a leader is always short and in demand.  Our society needs these kind of people, doers , not just talkers.  Organizations need them, nonprofits need them, businesses need them and even churches.  They are all seeking to find leaders who will take action and lead people, not just give lip service.  Even our homes need leaders, as kids always need an example to be set before them.  They will always need someone to guide them down the right path.  So if you find yourself in a situation that you don’t like, rather than complain about it, do something about it.  Get involved and make a difference.  This world rewards action with passion.

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.

Healthy Relationships...Part 7

This is the last week of my 7-part series on living within healthy relationships.  If you have missed any of these, feel free to go back and re-visit them all on my blog at www.scottsfridaysthoughts.blogspot.com  There are great keys all throughout this series and if you take just one thing away, which can help you make and have healthier relationships, your time has been well spent.

In last week’s message, I made the comment that the only thing in your life that can grow is that which you give power to.  Meaning, in order for healthy relationships to grow, you must feed them with healthy ideals.  On the other side of the spectrum, this is also how unhealthy relationships grow.  Remember, for anything to grow, it must be fed. regardless of what it is.  The big question here that every one of us have to answer is: what is it you are feeding?

When I was younger I had many unhealthy relationships.  I guess it should not have been a surprise because I myself had unhealthy thoughts and beliefs about what a relationship was supposed to be.  Hence, I attracted more of this kind of thing into my life along with the people around me.  Regardless of whether I was doing this consciously or unconsciously, the fact is I was feeding this way of life.  During this time, I struggled with almost all of my relationships.  It was not until I reached a point of feeling tired, worn out and finally getting mad at my present results before I sought answers as to why my life was like it was.

What I learned was that I brought on all the dysfunction in my life because of one main reason: that is the way I grew up and it was all I ever knew.  Therefore, I believed this way of life to be true for me.  That’s it!  It’s just that simple.  What we believe to be true is what will always show itself as being dominant in our life.

This was a pretty big wake-up call for me because when we do not know the why behind something, it is easy to pass it off as not our own, but when we become self-aware, then we must take responsibility for the way things are.  That was not a fun pill for me to swallow.  Accepting and awakening are 2 of the 3 biggest factors you will need if you are going to break free from the chains of living within dysfunctional relationships.  Up to this point, I had the 2.  Now, it was time to grab a hold of the 3^rd thing I needed.  The thing that is probably needed the most is a desire to change.

Years ago I had a mentor tell me over and over again: Scott, you’ve just got to want to!  It took me almost a year before I truly understood what he was telling me.  It does not matter if you are building a business, shooting for a goal or building a church.  You have to really want to do it.  There has to be a hunger, a burning desire from within, because just being casual about wanting changes in your life is not enough.  For me, I reached a place of being sick and tired of being sick and tired and I had to have different results in my life.  The internal desire that all of us have must be kicked into high gear if we are ever going to make the uncomfortable changes to move away from unhealthy relationships.  Like the old cliché says: when the pain to stay the same becomes greater than the pain to make the change, you will finally make the change.

Lastly, surround yourself with people who will support you.  Purposefully put yourself in an environment that is conducive to making the changes you need to make.  Be aware, making those initial changes will be easier than keeping true to them.  Manipulators with anger issues do not like it when they do not get their way and go to great lengths to hold onto their false sense of power over others.  This is where your new strong and supportive surroundings will help carry you through those difficult times.  They will be vital if you are going to break the chains that currently have a hold of you.

This process will not be easy, but I promise you, it will be so worth it over the long run.  Have a great weekend everyone and be blessed.