Overview of Dysfunctions

We are on week 6 of 7 regarding uncovering some unhealthy habits and actions with regard to relationships.  So far we have covered 5 different destructive behaviors, and this week I am going to give some examples and overviews of what those 5 look like, combined in a relationship.  If you have missed any of the previous 5 weeks, go back and review them together in order to better understand what this week’s message will be covering.

Anger, bitterness, guilt, belittling and manipulation are some very destructive behaviors to bring to any relationship.  Sadly enough, many relationships have some or all or these elements.  Make no mistake, this is a guaranteed recipe for disaster and a time bomb waiting to happen.  Any relationship that is built on any or all of these 5 characteristics simply cannot stand in peace or true harmony.

For the rest of this week’s message, I will refer to those 5 behaviors mentioned as dysfunctions, so I can keep the message to the point.  Like anything else, one thing we need to understand is that dysfunctions will grow when they are fed.  The more they are fed, the more they will grow and the more they grow, the more powerful they become.  You need to know this because it is not uncommon for most people to hope that the destructive behavior will get better.  That is the optimistic, light at the end of the tunnel, kind of thinking that most of us carry around with us, and what we want to believe.  The hard-hitting fact is that it will not get better until it is dealt with head-on. 

I have personally seen dysfunctional relationships that went on for years, only to end in the complete destruction of 2 people as human beings.  Then depression, extreme anger and substance abuse overtook them, all because time after time, the dysfunction continued to be fed.  In some cases the 2 feed off one another and neither one is willing to stop feeding the fire.  Like the law of attraction, the only thing that can grow in your life is what you continue to feed.  This is not rocket science nor is it a mystery.  It is just common sense.  Our words, our thoughts and our actions all feed something, there is no getting around it.  Are you feeding positive with positive or are you feeding negative with negative?  There really is no other way this works.  If you believe for a second that if you can simply put enough positive into a negative dysfunctional situation and it will change, you are sadly deceived.  It is just not how it works.  In order to rebuild anything, it must first be broken, preferably, torn down. 

In short, if you have a glass full of dirty water and you want it clean, you can’t simply add clean water to it to make it clean.  You must first poor out most or all of the dirty water before you can pour in the clean water.  To think otherwise is crazy.  Yet everyday, all around our cities and towns there are people who still think giving enough positive to a dysfunctional person will help.  Although the intentions are noble and to be noted, the outcome will rarely, if ever, change to a positive. 

The issue of dysfunction runs all around us.  It is a big deal and is a subject many people don’t want to talk about, at least not in public. 

Next week, I am going to wrap up this 7 part series on relationships and will offer some action steps on the subject.  Actions that you can do today, right now, to move into the direction of eliminating dysfunction from your life.  I will share some profound key steps that will move you closer to peace and harmony, not only in your own life, but in your relationships as well.

Until then, have a great weekend and be blessed.

Manipulation

Last week we covered the subject of guilt in our 7 part series.  This week we will be covering manipulation, another unhealthy and destructive behavior that we see happen all too often within relationships.  If you need or want to, go back and review the prior week’s topics.  There is a lot of information and sometimes it takes re-reading several times while letting it soak in before we can absorb it in its entirety.

Of all the unhealthy behaviors there are, perhaps manipulation is the most common.  There are many different variances, all the way from manipulating an object to manipulating people.  A carpenter manipulates a piece of wood when he is building a house and a mechanic manipulates a car to make it run better.  But for the continuation of our series, I am going to focus on manipulating people because that is what is destructive, non-constructive and obviously an unhealthy way to live.

Manipulation can really be summed up in one short sentence: getting people to do what you want for your own personal selfish reasons.  The subject, though, is actually very deep.  Just like guilt, manipulation is used for the personal gain of power, money, recognition, fame and even love.  Manipulation seeks itself above everything else.  It really does not care who or what is in its way, it runs over everything in its path to get what it wants, by any means necessary. 

To manipulate others is to destroy a relationship.  Primarily because it is then switched from a mutual rewarding relationship to a selfish, self interest, power trip, “what’s in it for me” situation.  To call the kettle black here, that is not a real relationship.  One of the most beautiful things about a healthy relationship is the freedom to be exactly who you really are without any repercussions of any kind.  True relationships make us feel good, they bring energy to us and brighten our day.  When manipulation is brought into the picture, it does just the opposite.  It takes from us, it can make us feel bad for just being ourselves while the other person feels they have just “won” or “gotten’ what they were after.  Again, that is not a healthy relationship. 

When I was younger, my dad often manipulated me into doing things that were clearly only for his gain.  At a young age, we really don’t know any better, so I just thought it was a normal aspect of life.  It was not until my teen years I was able to understand and realize it is not normal, nor is it healthy. 

Bosses can also be very manipulative.  In addition to keeping us on track with our tasks, I have seen them really twist things around mentally to get what they want from their employees, to the point that it is very unhealthy.  Can any of you relate to this?  Ever had a boss like this?

From everything I can see, the worst part of using manipulation is that it hurts others.  It uses them as if they were an object or a ploy placed in a spot to be used for self gratification.  It is also demeaning.  Where there is manipulation, there is no respect, and usually the person doing the manipulating is only interested in themselves with little concern of others.  Sad but true.

If you look into your relationships, can you see where manipulation may be being used?  Can you see where it might be being used on you?  I know it can be a touchy subject but there is no question that it is unhealthy, destructive and should be called out and dealt with at once.  People who use manipulation against you have a very difficult time seeing anything else but themselves and “what they get” and that is not a friendship, nor is it a relationship.  It is a self destructive bomb just waiting to go off.

Stand against this behavior.  Do not be the person who is simply used for someone else’s betterment.  That is not who you are supposed to be and it is not how God intended us to live.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Mothers Day Tribute

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I thought it would be appropriate to share a few thoughts and remind us of a few things with regard to our Moms.

A mom is a nurturer by nature, she holds, cradles and shows affection to her kids and family.  She is the one to whom we go when we are beat up, banged up or bruised.  Moms can bandage us up, take away the immediate pain and send us on our way.  When we need a lunch packed or a dinner made, Mom is there to get the job done.  Dirty clothes… well, moms are dynamite with laundry.  In fact, I have seen my wife take stains out of my daughter’s clothes and make them look better than new.  From a dad’s perspective, I would have thrown them away had she not been around.  Yes, moms are dynamic at so many things.  God has gifted them with strengths and abilities that can leave the rest of us in awe.

In my home, it is my wife who is the master at so many of these things.  She truly is a unique, carrying and loving person who is a wonderful mom to my two daughters.  Every time I think back to my own childhood, I try to remember what my own relationship was like with my Mom.  How did I treat her and how did I talk to her?  Did we laugh together as much as we could have or did I waste time arguing with her?  I have so many great memories of my Mom that I have been able to carry with me over the years.  Those memories have helped me fill the hole that was left in my heart, as she died when I was 22.  Although I was an adult and on my own, I was far from grown up, responsible and mature.  I think those last few years I had with my Mom, I probably learned more from her during this time than the previous 10 years of being a teenager.  But, come to think of it, maybe it was because I was finally ready to listen to her.

Yes, moms are great.  They are special and we need them.  Little boys and little girls need their mom around.  The time that we have with our moms can also be very short.  For me, I had 22 awesome years with my Mom before she was taken from me.  I know there are also many others who have lost their Mom much sooner then expected.  I also know that often, the hole you feel in your heart never really does go away.  I know first-hand what that is like.  If the time you had with your Mom was cut short and the hole you keep feeling just won’t go away, please know that you are not alone.  There are many of us who have experienced this and although we never totally get over it, we can and should remember all the fun times we had together.  Play those videos in your mind of your Mom from your memory.  Look at the pictures of the past and be thankful.  Be thankful for the time you had because to not be thankful is to not appreciate and cherish the time you had.

To every Mom out there, we appreciate and love you.  We are thankful for all that you have done and all that you are.  We are thankful for the warm memories and the laughs as well as the discipline, because all of it has helped us to shape who we are today.  If you are fortunate enough to still have the time to be with your mom, reach out to her and let her know how much you appreciate her.  Many times, I wish I could have had just one more chance to hug my Mom just one more time.  Don’t just give her a card, give her something that no one else can give her: give her your love. 

To every Mom I know, have a great Mother’s Day, you are blessed.