Attracting Healthy Love ~ Part 5

Moving too fast too soon usually causes a lot of unnecessary pain.  Too often, this is done by making long-term choices based on short-term feelings.    

Feelings come and go.  In general, they are like the wind.  Love, lust, happiness and sadness, they flow constantly.  What we must understand is, we do not make long-term choices based on ongoing changes in our feelings. 

Sometimes, when feelings and emotions are running wide open, moving in together seems to be the best thing to do.  For whatever reason, our society even applauds it.   This I have never understood nor find any logic to it.  A couple who wants to “play house” and truly think this is the right thing is more than likely setting themselves up for disaster, especially if this is done early in the relationship.

Need I say this again?  Making long-term choices based on short-term feelings is stupid!  How many times have we heard: “Well, I need to see if we are compatible” or “this will help us make sure we’re right for each other.”  These are the craziest and most ridiculous ideas I have ever heard.

Healthy relationships are built on solid, successful principals and commitment, not feelings.  They always have been and always will be.  If you’re twisted up over which way the roll of toilet paper goes on, or if the cap is left off the toothpaste, you have far deeper issues to deal with than finding the right person!

Why would anyone want to join their life to someone with whom they are truly not committed?  (Aside from a roommate, of course.) Ask any couple who has been married 20 plus years, they will tell you, commitment, not feelings, made and kept their marriage.

If children or teenage kids are involved, you better think long and hard before disrupting their home.  That is, move them somewhere, or move someone else into their home.  You may think it is a great idea but the consequences for doing so can have life-long effects.

Your kids need to see you make good choices.  They need a good example set for them.  It’s tough being a kid.  Their bodies are changing, they’re growing up and they are receiving peer pressure from all sides.  What they need the most is a stable, secure home life with parent(s) who are committed to them, not the latest flavor of the month.

I have seen a young mom move her and her young daughter in and out of several of her boy friend’s homes over the course of just two years.  All because she thought they each were the “right one.” We may never know the impact of how damaging that mom’s choices were to her daughter.

Moving in together is not a game nor is it practice for the real deal.  Do you really want to attract the right kind of love into your life?  Are you serious about finding the right person?  If so, then get serious with this stuff!  What feels right is not always the right thing to do!

If each of us did everything we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, our society would resemble more of a circus than it would stability.

Stay tuned.  Next week we are going to cover the single most important aspect of every healthy relationship.  Need a hint?  It starts with a “C”

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love Part 4

Unrealistic expectations and unhealthy ideals we hold within us, at the least, are a recipe for failure for any relationship before it even starts.

Last week, we uncovered a few important aspects that can keep you from finding and keeping that right person.  You may want to go back and re read the previous weeks before moving any further, making that information fresh in your mind.

I have often thrown out the question:  “If that perfect person walked through the door tomorrow, would you be ready?”  Interestingly enough, the answer is usually a 30 / 70 yes and no.  Even of the 30 who say yes, most have actions that would suggest otherwise.

If you want to find the right person, you have to be the right person.  The only way that can happen is if you will go to work on yourself first.  Dealing with the past hurts, reading books on relationships and mentoring with someone who has a long time successful marriage can be a great way to self educate.

Forget about taking any advice from soap opera couples, reality TV shows and the magazines found near the check out stands at your local grocery store.  Get serious about becoming the right person.  Too often, I see people looking and looking for someone but are unwilling to change themselves to do it.  This has never made any sense to me.

If you’re expecting someone to meet your expectations then isn’t it only fair you step up to the plate to meet theirs?  Successful relationships are not a 50 / 50 deal.  They are a 100 / 100 deal.  That is each person gives 100% to the relationship. (Or so they should) 

Would any employer keep an employee if they only gave half effort?  If you only obeyed half the traffic laws, would you be able to keep your driving privileges very long?  If we were only respectful and pleasant half the time, how long would our friends and family want to be around us? 

Another area that far too many people forget about is the honey moon period.  That is, when every relationship starts out, both people are on their best behavior.  Neither is seeing the real person for who they truly are.

Undermining this stage or not understanding its full affects, will likely end up with you making long term choices based on short term feelings.  A recipe for disaster!  Our society is filled with stories (both men and women) that went way to fast with someone they didn’t take the time to get to know, only to end up in a bitter separation down the road.  Maybe you know someone who has experienced this.

Next week, we will stay on this topic of moving too fast too soon.  There are many toxic behaviors and ideas that people have and do to sabotage there relationship before it can even have a fair chance and getting started.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love Part 3

Making out a list, re affirming what you do want in a spouse and becoming aware of what you really, truly want. Those are key aspects to attracting the perfect mate.

This week we are going to discuss some unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations you may have.  Truth be know, you may not even be aware you have these and like I mentioned earlier, we can not fix what we do not know is broken.

Our society (culture) has a way of programming us.  Commercials on TV, billboards we drive by, signs, advertising…it’s everywhere.  Through this blast bombardment of images and ideas, shapes our sense of what is important.  Unfortunately this is not always for the betterment of us as people.

We do need to be aware of this.  A large part of the way you think, act and what you believe is a direct result of your constant environment.  So do a check up on yourself.  Up until this point, has your environment been conducive to attracting the kind of person you have written down on your list?

Next, you need to understand that if you have not dealt with any hurts, heartaches, disappointments, bitterness or anger from a past relationship, you are not ready for Mr. or Ms. Right.  I know this may sound harsh and unpopular, but consider a few things.

Any and all hurts of the past that have not been completely extinguished (dealt with properly) you are carrying around with you.  This means that if the right person did come along, you then will be sharing those hurts with them.  Yes, you may bring love, joy and excitement into the relationship but you are also bringing unnecessary baggage and some of it, will probably be destructive to your new someone.

Whatever is impressed upon you must be expressed.  This means, what has happened to you, what you have experienced, felt and lived, must be shown through you.  It will come out through your actions, words, frustration, temperament; it’s all expressed from within.  More times then not, you will be completely unaware you’re even doing it.

Don’t down play this it is a powerful piece of the equation.  Just because you can’t see it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s not at work.  Often, this is where counseling comes into play.  Helping you sort through those unseen things can have magic in it.

Unfortunately, some people see counseling as a negative.  Maybe their pride, ego or even stubbornness won’t allow it.  I choose to see it as a sign of strength and maturity.  Admitting you can’t do something alone and need some guidance or help is a powerful step in growing as an individual and it unlocks the doors to inner freedom.

Next week, we will continue on with unhealthy beliefs and unrealistic expectations.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.

Attracting Healthy Love Part 2

Last week we talked about attracting certain people in of our lives.  Was it a hard concept to grasp?  If so, it’s ok.  You’re not alone.

When an idea is presented to us that says what we’re doing is giving us results we do not want, our initial response will be resistance or even denial.  After all, why would anyone in their right mind go after something they really don’t want?  Answer?  They wouldn’t…unless they weren’t aware they were doing it.

This is part two in a series entitled: Attracting Healthy Love.

When I was in my 20’s, I dated a handful of different girls.  All of them caring, giving, beautiful women but they also had one common denominator.  A factor in which I could not see, yet was real and working in my attraction to them and them to me.

One day it came to me like a ton of bricks: Why in the world am I repeatedly attracted to these types of women?  You see, the common denominator for me was every one of these gals needed to be emotionally rescued.  Subconsciously I was taking it upon myself to be their rescuer.  Therefore I was attracting this type of woman into my life.

Admittedly, that is a very unhealthy belief to live with.  It is never my or your job to emotionally rescue anybody.  But being young and having some messed up unhealthy ideas about who I was and what I was wanting were guiding me.  Things I had no clue were attracting these types of women into my life.

Most often it is past events of life that tend to create who we are when it comes to attracting a mate.  Remember:  You can’t fix something about yourself if you don’t know it is broken.  So if you’re not attracting the ideal mate into your life, there is a reason. 

Each one of us has the ability to change who we attract into our life. One of the greatest gifts of being human is having choices.  Once we become aware of a trait within us that does not serve us well, we can chose to change it.

So what is the first step in making this change?  It is, by far, the most important step you will ever take and it is a have to if you are going to attract the ideal mate into your life.  What I am referring too is personal desire. 

You have to want something better.  You need to want it badly enough that you’re willing to leave behind the concepts you thought were right but has not yielded the results you want.

Ask yourself this.  Am I sick and tired of attracting the wrong kind of person into my life?  Am I ready to look within myself and adjust (fix) what is holding me back from having my ideal spouse?

If your answer is a solid yes then congratulations.  You are on your way to attracting the kind of mate your heart truly wants.

Next week we will uncover some key components you need to be aware of in the changing process.

Have a great Friday everyone, be blessed.