Last week, we covered the subject of anger and how it affects us and what it can do to us. If you missed this subject, feel free to either go back, or visit my blog and do an overview on this as it was part 2 of 7 on the subject of living within healthy relationships. This week we are going to go over the subject of belittling, what it is and how it affects others when we do this.
Not so long ago, my eldest daughter asked me what belittling meant. It should have been no surprise I guess, she is at that age where she is asking more and more questions when it comes to complex situations, so I took a moment to share with her what I felt the term meant. In short, I told her that belittling someone is a lot like making fun of someone or even putting them down. I could tell she was internalizing my answer and to an 8 year old, this was a good enough answer. But after she walked away, that voice inside me spoke up and reminded me that there is so much more to belittling.
Belittling is done in several ways. Our words and what we say are just a part of the bigger picture. Often times the tone of our voice in what we say plays a bigger part. I have heard husbands make little comments to their wives that were borderline humorous but the tone in their voice was very destructive. Volume and body language also make a difference in the way we say things. Combine all of these together in just the right combination and the end result is that what we say, no matter how harmless we are intending to be, can be quite destructive and belittling.
Years ago, my wife and I spent some time with a married couple who became good friends of ours. It did not take long for me to realize that the way in which he would speak to her (his wife) was very belittling. In fact, it became so obvious that it soon became awkward to be around them when they were together. His tone, his body language, the volume in which he spoke…all of it was a bit much for myself and my wife. Months later, we had to limit the amount of time we spent with them, simply because of the awkwardness in the room when he spoke to her. Then, over a year later, he asked me why my wife and I did not come around much anymore. So, with gentleness and caution, I shared with him what I was observing time and time again, and to my surprise, he did not even know he was doing it.
I know that both men and women can be belittling, I have seen it both ways. The unfortunate part here is how it makes the other person feel. I am not talking about friendly little jabs or giving someone a bad time, I am talking about repetitive destructive behavior. Even to our kids we need to be aware of what we are saying to them and the manner in which we are doing so. To a degree, when we compare our kids against one another saying things like: “why aren’t you more like your sister or why aren’t you more like your brother” is a form of belittling. It is all in how we say it. A soft and light approach is probably not that hurtful but saying those same words directly to our child in the context of anger and frustration is very hurtful.
The main thing we need to keep in mind is the way in which we are talking to those around us, especially the ones we care the most about. The scriptures say that life and death are in the tongue. Meaning, the words we say either lift people up or they pull people down. I also know that people will also talk down to or belittle others because they think this elevates them somehow. Ironically though, nothing could be further from the truth. Anyone who needs to put someone else down to feel better about themselves probably has other deep rooted issues. One of my favorite quotes that I adopted as my own last year says: blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine any brighter.
Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.
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