Guilt

This is part 4 of 7 on a series titled: Healthy Relationships. This week I am covering the subject of guilt. If needed, feel free to go back to my prior weeks and refresh on this topic. This is all about the tools and awareness you need to have a better and healthier relationship with those around you.

How many times have you been talking with someone and because of what that person said to you, you began to feel bad or even a little small? Maybe you started to second guess your actions or your own motives. Then, the more this person talked to you, the more you sensed one or several of these feelings. During the moment when it happens, you’re not really sure what is going on. You can’t quite understand it but shortly after you leave them, you notice that you’re feeling much worse than when you first engaged in conversation with them. Why is this… and more importantly, what is this?

Growing up in a home with an unhealthy father, I experienced and lived through many dysfunctions, guilt being one of them. If my dad wanted me to do something for him and he knew I didn’t want to, he would guilt me into doing it. He would say things that would make me feel bad about me or what I had done or what I was going to do, so that I would have a chance to “make up” for my actions only to please his wishes. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Laying guilt on someone, ultimately, is nothing more than someone trying to overpower you so that you will do what they want you to. It’s control. It is a means of overpowering you, all for their benefit, not yours and it is very unhealthy.

I grew up around this constant behavior. When I was younger, this was normal to me. I had no clue how destructive it was because it was all that I knew. I thought having a dad who made me feel guilty was the way it was supposed to be…that is, until I reached my teen years. Then I could see that this was not normal, it was outright manipulative. In a way, he was using me, playing on my emotions to get what he wanted. It wasn’t until years later did I realize that for many years, I was being toyed with like a puppet on a string.

I would call guilt a dysfunction under the umbrella of manipulation. Using guilt on someone is just one of the many ways we can manipulate another person. We manipulate them to do, say, or even be what we want. Think back for a moment in your own past. When is the last time you had someone try to make you feel less worthy? Who was this person and what was the surrounding? Did you allow them to make you feel worse or were you able to catch on to what they were doing? Take a little time this weekend and think back to those people who try to use guilt on you. Are they family, co-workers or friends? Even kids can use guilt to get what they want. Granted, they have to learn this from somewhere, it doesn’t just show up out of the blue. If kids are using guilt it is because they have learned it. It should be stopped and called destructive behavior. I even had a boss many years ago that would try to use guilt on me so that I would take care of his responsibilities which he did not want to do. Yes, guilt is everywhere, all around us.

I want to encourage you, the next time someone tries to guilt you into doing anything, don’t do it, and don’t fall for it. Take a step back and recognize it for what it is: A power play of manipulation. Then, call them on it. Tell them out loud: “it sounds like you are trying to guilt me into something…is that right?” You may just be surprised at how they react to you after you call them on it. By doing this, they will know that you no longer accept their behavior, nor will you allow them to use you like a pawn for their benefit.

Have a great weekend everyone, be blessed.